I’ve been working on my thoughts about my ability to manage my mind. And I’ve also been looking at the horrible judgments I have about myself for starting, staying in, and remaining in this relationship. So painful. I am so ashamed, but I am also proud, but I am also scared and uncertain and so many other things. Anyways.
These thoughts have been helping with the judgment: I can observe my thoughts **without judging them or judging myself for having them.**I can choose how I feel in this relationship.
I can love anyone, no matter what. I can think loving thoughts about anyone, no matter what. I can think anything I choose to. His actions do not dictate or determine my emotions. The past//the circumstances of the past do not dictate or determine my thoughts or feelings. He has shown me unconditional love, really fully unconditional, this entire time. That is true. It’s possible that I can stop judging myself for being in this relationship.
It’s possible that I can stop judging and resenting him for his actions or lack of action.
It’s possible that I am not being unappreciated.
It’s possible that I am not being devalued.
It’s possible that his appreciation of me isn’t important????
It’s possible that what I’m trying to get from him isn’t something he can give me. It’s possible that I can give these things to myself and then maybe I won’t have any reason to stay with him. It’s possible that I can give these things to myself and then want to stay in the relationship because I’m more capable of seeing the good parts of it.It’s possible that I could be happy in this relationship without him changing, without him acknowledging and thanking me for my sacrifices, or appreciating me in the ways that I want to be appreciated (BUT IS THIS ME GASLIGHTING MYSELF INTO A MISERABLE LIFE OF MEDIOCRITY WHERE I AM ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY GOOD FOR ME??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Choosing to stay with a man who doesn’t treasure me like I have treasured him for SIX FUCKING YEARS? Am I writing into ask a coach right now so that I can just keep thought-working my way into feeling comfortable in and tolerable of a relationship with someone who isn’t a good fit????? I don’t know, I don’t know HOW to know, and it’s terrifying.)
When I think about consciously changing my thoughts about my boyfriend–and when I’ve done this in the past–I eventually end up in deep hurt, resentment, anger, and sadness the more I think about it. I think about this, I do thought work or get coached or go to therapy, and it always leads back to these feelings. I notice that I want to punish him by keeping this going because at this point I am desperate for him to see all of this and to empathize with me like a partner who cares and I don’t know any other way to get that to happen. I don’t enjoy noticing this, it doesn’t feel GOOD, but it’s the truth.
I’m still bitter about the past, and I don’t WANT to let it go because I’m still angry about it and I think it’s still important. I’m still resentful in the present because I thought about it & I actually DO believe that I did some pretty heroic things (unconditional love of another person, patience, commitment, radical forgiveness, even during incredible pain and turmoil in both of our lives, among other brave and insanely difficult things that I did for the sake of our relationship that never got acknowledged or appreciated by him) to keep our relationship going, and I am appalled and hurt that he doesn’t see these things, doesn’t appreciate them, doesn’t think highly of me because of them, doesn’t respect and feel sorry for the absolutely crushing pain I was in for so long. He should feel fucking sorry. He created this, this is because of him. This is because of choices that I MADE to stay in the relationship, I know this, but I want acknowledgment from him that I could have made other choices but didn’t. I can already see myself turning into a bitter old woman who just feels unappreciated undervalued–all because I refuse to let go of needing someone to recognize it/make it all worth it.
Even if we get all this squared away and settled I could see myself bringing it up again–I hold so tightly onto things, and I don’t know how not to hold so tightly onto this thing that I haven’t been able to let go of for 5 years despite CONSTANT coaching, therapy, and thousands and thousands of dollars spent. I am broke, exhausted, resentful, and full of anger. Can I not let go of this because I made the wrong choice for me in the first fucking place?
And I’ve been doing this–trying to be happy and just move on–for 5 years, so why am I trying anymore? Why am I trying to give this fucking GUY the gift of forgiveness and my own peace when I don’t think he’s earned it//when I think he unlearns it more and more each day that passes? I know that forgiveness is a gift I give myself. I know that I only punish MYSELF when I do all this shit. I’ve tried. I don’t know what else to do. We don’t have kids together, we’re not married, there are several incompatibilities here that might be reasons why I divorce him in the future if we do get married, so why don’t I just LEAVE? I know I would be doing it from this horrible, angry place, and I know that would never leave me. I would maybe even hold onto it tighter.
I’m so afraid. Basically, when I think about leaving, I don’t want to leave a man who is good and a good choice for me all because I’m entitled and I think that he should “appreciate me more in the ways that I think he should” and I can’t figure out how to just let the past go, but I also don’t want to stay in a relationship just because I am afraid of losing a good man & I am afraid that I might be leaving from an entitled/unhealthy place. I also don’t want to stay in a relationship that’s actually not that great for reasons that aren’t that great.
I’m a mess. Sick to my stomach over this most days. I SEE the pain I’m creating for myself, but I also know that this is real (not something I just created out of thin air) and not trivial and should not be taken lightly.
Thank you again for your help with this. I need it.
(And yes–I continue to do my own thought work on this daily, I get coached in scholars about this, & I have a therapist that I see weekly as well.)