Follow Up Question from Live Coaching

I was just live coached this past session by Brooke about my dad’s passing and how my thoughts about him and his death were intermingled with my mom’s thoughts. I’ve spent some time really thinking about what are MY thoughts around his death, like Brooke suggested, and what I came up with was this.

I realized that I haven’t fully accepted his death yet because I have this belief that if I do, and I’m at peace with it, then that means that I’m not sad about it or that I think it’s okay that it happened. And I don’t want to feel like it’s okay that it happened because to me that feels like I’m condoning the fact that he never got to live his FULL life, see the success of his business, walk me down the aisle, etc. And I know that “everyone dies right on time” and so maybe he was never supposed to have those experiences but I really don’t like the thought of that. I also have realized that I have been holding myself back because I believe that I should always be mourning him, and if I’m not just so incredibly sad about it then it means I don’t miss him. I also have this belief around since this happened to me at age 16, I’m “so messed up.” I never realized this until I’ve started to uncover my thoughts but I have been telling myself how messed up I am for YEARS and no wonder my actions have been accordingly. I would binge drink, make irrational decisions, and put myself in compromising situations because I’m just “so fucked up” by what happened. And I never understood why I lashed out the way I did when I was in my late teens, but now it’s all making sense. Of COURSE I did those things if I was telling myself how messed up I was the whole time.

I’ve really moved on from that part in my life (as in I’m not making those destructive decisions anymore), but I am still carrying the thought with me. I also feel like I’m held back because I have this belief that I can’t move on with my life or that means I’m accepting what happened.

I no longer feel “so messed up” anymore, and I’m starting to realize that I have so much strength for getting through what I’ve been through and I’m starting to change that story in my head. However, I can’t get passed the thought of being at peace means that I’m condoning what happened. Would you be able to help me with some bridge thoughts that could help me accept what happened and move forward? I’m happy that I’ve uncovered my thoughts separate from my mom, but they feel so TRUE to me that I’m having a hard time coming up with new ones. Thank you so much.