I wrote the question titled “Unconscious Negativity” earlier today, and your response brought tears to my eyes, so thank you so much for this gift. I had a follow up question that digs deeper, and it’s something I’ve never admitted out loud to anyone but I can really feel myself struggling with. So here goes.
I was in the abusive relationship I mentioned in the last post for 3 years during college, and we’ve already had no contact for 3 years. I’ve moved to a different state, blocked him on everything, and completely immersed myself in a new life. However, I find myself (still to this day), completely trying to avoid him ever finding out where I live, what I’m doing, or who I’m hanging out with. I deleted all of my social media and still feel crippled by the fear that he will find out where I am. He used to tell me that he would “always” show up in my life, he would threaten me, say he’d show up on my doorstep, or post revealing photos of me on the internet. It’s so sad to me, because while of course social media isn’t a big deal, I hate that I am basically hiding from the world (online) because I’m still scared of him and what he’ll do.
The even bigger issue here… is that it’s my absolute dream to be become a speaker, writer, blogger, (and possibly even life coach)– to young women who have experienced trauma in their lives. I have been through a lot as a teen and young adult, and I truly believe with all of my heart that the experiences I have had could help others in some way if I were willing to share them. I genuinely believe this is my life calling. However, all of these would require me to have a large online presence (and hence, him able to see what I’m doing). My absolute deepest fear is that if my dreams were to come true, and I were to achieve great amounts of success (which I know in my heart I am capable of), I am terrified he would release photos of me on the internet (he actually saved these in a locked file I couldn’t delete and threatened me with them when he was angry). I keep playing these scenarios in my head of how I would be humiliated, embarrass my family, ruin my career, etc. And then I feel just crazy for thinking like this, because it’s not like I’ve even taken any action yet! And I find my fear of what could possibly happen keeping me frozen. And then I get so angry at myself, because I feel like he’s still controlling me three years after we’ve broken up! I’ve never admitted this before because I’m so embarrassed to even feel this way. I know I should just “be able to feel any feeling” even if it’s humiliation, but I just cannot get past this crippling fear.
Thank you so much for your help and advice.