Food Plan Drama

I used to like food plans. They gave me a sense of control and like “if I just get it all right, I’ll be the perfect weight, and everything will be perfect!” I’ve been athletic, never overweight really, and have struggled with restrictive dieting in the past.  Recently, however, I decided to screw the plan. I’m going to eat what I want. I did feel much more free. I felt like I could be more myself, I felt less restrained, less like I was trying so hard to “get it right” and “be a good little girl” and “not cheat” and “finally make it all happen!”.  I felt more like myself without making myself follow a rigid plan.

Last night I started back into the stop overeating material again, and today I felt all sorts of constricted, and anxious, and yucky. Not even about food, but I think it’s related. It’s almost as if the food plan triggers a mindset in me that I have to be this good girl, and that feels awful.  I think I’m okay with a food plan honestly. But I don’t think I should allow myself to be rigid about it.

The black and white thinker in me wants to experience every urge, but I know that when I do this to myself, I’m tortured. I can’t do it, and I beat myself up, and I repeat the cycle again and again and again. I don’t want to live my entire life in food jail.  I do want to lose 10lbs. But I wonder if I could do that without being a total freak about food. The biggest thing to me is that “good girl” mentality, where I’m “trying to get it right so that everything will be ok!” mentality, that I feel like drove me into eating disorder behavior.  I want to be able to weigh myself every day and not have drama around it, but I do have so much drama around it.

So anyway, I’m not exactly sure why I’m writing this here. I think I need a softer way *through* some of this stop overeating stuff, I want to do this in a way that feels like me, fully. I don’t think a rigid meal plan feels authentic to me at this time.  I see that I am trying to change my Circumstance to change my Thoughts.  What thoughts cause me to feel restricted when it comes to the food plan?

C food plan
T if you’re a good girl and do your food plan perfectly you’ll be the perfect weight and everything will be perfect!!!
F constricted, anxious
A I think this alone actually triggers the urge for food.
R I have no idea

But then also somewhere in there a rebellious though comes into play

C: Thought that if I just get everything perfect, I’ll be the perfect weight and life will be perfect!
T: That’s a huge lie
F: Rebellious
A: Don’t do a food plan
R: I guess I just eat whatever, and stay approximately the same weight

So neither of these are particularly adaptive. I’d like to find a thought that gives me the result of losing 10lbs, where I don’t feel like I’m tormenting myself or lying to myself. I guess the result is that I lose 10lbs without tormenting myself. I’m going to plug that in the R line.

C scale says 133.4, I want it to say 115-120lbs
T I know how to feed my body exactly what it needs in order to be 115-120lbs, I am capable of handling my urges, I know how to create a general food plan that is basically sugar and flour free and I know how to follow it, I actually like a reasonable food plan and I don’t have to follow it 100% perfectly, and when I don’t follow it perfectly I can look at what’s going on in my brain and see how I could handle it differently next time. I can give myself flexibility if I’m going to be doing a social engagement or something fun, and maybe that looks like eating less during the day, or fasting during the day.
F Confident in myself and my ability to make my own decisions for my body no matter what anyone or program says
A I feel my urges through completely, I feel my feelings completely, I eat few enough calories that I will lose weight, I don’t overeat, I eat generally the foods that my body views as fuel, I exercise regularly and enjoy it, I fast one day per week (dinner to dinner).
R I lose 10lbs without tormenting myself