I’m aware of a couple foreboding thoughts I’ve had for a long time about my family’s safety. They re-emerged yesterday after I was thinking about how proud of myself I am and thinking about how good I’ve been feeling health-wise. As I felt more and more satisfaction and pleasure about myself and my life, the foreboding intensified.

I wonder if I’ve used these thoughts as a way to lessen my drive, lessen my outlook throughout my life. I usually don’t write about these b/c they feel so real I don’t want to put them on pen and paper. With courage I wrote models on them this morning. I haven’t written any intentional models on them yet.

UM1:
C – My excitement for life
T – Mom, Dad, and my brother will die.
F – Scared
A – Spin in my mind. Keep myself in lower state. Worry. Lead generation with trepid energy.
R – I move through life with grief over stuff that hasn’t happened.

UM2:
C – My excitement for life
T – My family will be safer if I’m unhappy and stay small.
F – Relief/Hope (as the solution to T-line in UM1)
A – Dampen my “up” feelings. Don’t smile much. Spend less time working on biz. Stay in underearning and underbeing jobs.
R – I trick myself into believing my muted life keeps my family alive.