Forgiveness


I’ve been working on figuring out the thoughts causing me to give into eating off protocol, not taking steps in my business – basically getting in the way of me moving forward in my life. It’s totally self sabotage and I’ve been uncovering why I am thinking this way.

What I’ve uncovered is that by not moving forward, I’m punishing and sabotaging myself for something that I am having a hard time forgiving myself for. What I’m realizing is that I’m blaming myself for things I did that I’m not proud of in my marriage and since I’m the one that asked for the divorce, there is also a lot of regret, second guessing, shame and blame on my part.

The good news is that things are better between my ex-husband and I and we are all getting along much better than we did when we were still married. The thing is that now I’m using this to beat myself up over my decision to leave and keep blaming myself. I am trying to move forward, honor my decision that I made and know that everything is 50/50 regardless but holding onto the suffering that ‘I screwed everything up/it’s all my fault/I should’ve been better’ is quite painful and I could really use some perspective on how to forgive, accept and move forward without punishing myself.

I’ve worked through this before but it’s come up with a vengeance lately. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been taking major steps forward and this is just my primitive brain’s way of trying to keep me safe but my thoughts are creating a lot of pain and I’m struggling with how to work through this and get a different perspective.

C: Past decisions in my marriage
T: I can’t forgive myself
F: ashamed
A: don’t work on my business, eat off protocol, try to escape with wine etc., cry, beat myself down, walk around constantly pressured, judge my actions, don’t allow myself to take steps I need to move forward, desire to escape from the pain of judgment, regret and shame
R: I don’t forgive myself and create a life of punishment

C: Past decisions in my marriage
T: Punishing myself for decisions I’ve made in the past is keeping me stuck and in pain
F: aware
A: read about forgiveness, reach out for coaching help, breathe, try to get a new perspective, allow the feelings, look at the story I’m telling
R: Start to learn how to stop punishing myself, heal and move on