“Forgiveness” Podcast

Hi Brook,
I can’t begin to explain how helpful this month has been for me and I feel I’m just totally touching on the content. (It’s only my second month). Understanding resisting and allowing emotions has been a major breakthrough for me. In addition, listening to your podcast on Forgiveness on the way home has been a gamechanger for me. I’ve never truly understood forgiveness and I don’t think many people do. That being said, I’m stuck in a situation with my sister that I’m trying to work out. Understanding and studying models and really learning that it’s MY ‘thoughts” that create my feelings has helped me manage my emotions and be able to allow the ones necessary. Leaning into emotions/feelings rather than resisting for the past couple of days has brought some really uncomfortable feelings that remain about my sister. I almost feel numb. Never in a million years would I feel so numb towards my sister. She was always my rock. My Irish twin (we are only 13 months apart). My counselor. We’ve had a great deal of exchanges over the past year on issues that are not necessary to talk about only that now I realize how much power I’ve given her over many years by allowing my perception of my thoughts make me feel hurt. I’ve had conflict with both my mom and sisters over the summer regarding their trip to Ireland and I still speak to my mother and my older sister has returned my calls so we seem fine. My closest sister has not returned my calls or responded to my emails, yet on occasion sends me heart shaped emoji’s saying “she is thinking about me”. I refuse to communicate anymore with siblings via text because it just always leads to trouble. Knowing what I have studied and learned so far in SCS, I would have handled things completely different regarding their trip to Ireland. I don’t have regrets because I sincerely believe the entire issue has brought me to where I am today. My concern is that my sister did call me on Thanksgiving and left a message that stated “Happy TG, etc. She knows she owes me a call and that she will call me next week but just wanted to say Happy TG”. After listening to the podcast, and feeling completely exhausted about rehashing the issue with her in the past, my fear is that when she calls, she is going to want to talk through the entire issue again. The physical vibration I feel when thinking about this phone conversation, is heart racing, breathy and feeling panic. I feel anxious. I don’t want to rehash the entire event. I don’t want to listen to her stating she did this because of that, blah blah blah. It’s all been said before and I want to move on. I don’t think it’s going to help either of us. And, lastly, I don’t believe our relationship is ever going to be the exact same and that is ok. I want to forgive to better serve myself. I don’t want anymore anger and resentment over this issue. How do I communicate this to her when she calls? Normally, I would drink to mask my pain and become more confident by allowing my brain say to myself “you know Trish” you are so right about all this…..thus further perpectuating the situation. Now, I just want to move on, allow and not resist my feelings and eventually grow a new relationship with my sister in a mature emotional way if she is willing to as well. How do I communicate this to her without sounding controlling or selfish? She says she loves me unconditionally and find peace in her prayers so I’m assuming she wants to bring an end to this conflict as well. Thanks p.s. I couldn’t sign up for the live coaching because it’s at 1pm my time when I’m at work. One of these times I’m going to request time off to be coached. 🙂