Friend Endorsement


I’m in a small group of friends who video message every day. There is one friend (No-Name) who encourages everyone else to be honest and open. However, she shared that she doesn’t like to talk about her problems because other people always feel inclined to make suggestions and that’s not what she wants. I’ve notice her constantly giving out recommendations, suggestions and ideas. It seemed like a mutual space for collaboration – share and care. Recently she mentioned how she was frustrated how everything seems to fall on the shoulders of women and inquired how we thought/felt. As a friend, of course I jumped in the pool and validated her. I later shared a story about myself in a similar situation and showed how I recognized where I had agency. Long story short, she wasn’t impressed with what I had to say. Lately I feel like I’m being targeted. For instance, I shared my review about a new book for the Brené Brown fans in my group. She talked about what she didn’t like about her. We have weekly challenges, and one friend had a question about an ‘unprocessed food’ list. No-name’s response was “keep it simple, it doesn’t need to be what [My Name] is doing”.

C: No-Name said “It doesn’t need to be what [My Name] is doing”
T: So it’s ok for her to make suggestions, but not anyone else
F:Distrust/Excluded (If these two feelings had a baby – I think that word would be perfect here.)
A: I Judge – i.e., how can she call herself an empowerment coach when she validates people’s T’s cause F’s/A’s; I Compete – share with intention of proving a point; Tell myself she’s leading people a stray and I don’t want to be a part of it; Contemplate removing myself from the group.
R:Giving my power away

I notice it’s my thought about her comment, not her, that is driving me to give my power away. I can see I’m resisting, giving my emotions over to someone outside myself, such as her. Interesting how I’m giving my power over to someone I’m not trusting right now, hmm. As I started exploring, I asked myself questions such as “Why do I need her permission to share”? Answer is that I don’t. Then I noticed what I did next as I dialed in on this model…I continued to resist. My brain went to “Yeah, I don’t need her permission”, but if she was really interested in elevating herself, she could have acknowledged the reason WHY I was following a protocol to demonstrate how that was different for someone else’s protocol. LOL, sneaky manuals.

I want to continue to explore this model further. Although it’s a model demonstrating resistance and not serving me at all, I think staying here might offer some insights about myself as to why I choose to default to that thought. I know I don’t want to feel attached to certain outcomes and I want to feel included. Struggling to find some good exploratory questions. How can I feel connected to her even when she doesn’t endorse my ideas? is one question I’m exploring. What are some other empowering questions to help me tease apart this model?