Friend only going to be polite to me


Another mother at school and I became single around the same time and spent more time together. This was fine for me until I had judgment about her. She wouldn’t meet up with me because she was scared her new dog might swallow a pebble if she left her home alone. She cried to me a lot because the dog kept her up at night. She came to me upset because her new boyfriend wasn’t acting the way she wanted. I fully see that my friend wasn’t acting the way I wanted so I started to pull back and spend more time on things that made me happy, ie my business or other people I deemed more positive.

I still invited her to do things but it was obviously less than I used to so she called me in tears when she broke up with her boyfriend asking why I haven’t been around as much. I told her I had been busy. And then I showed up the next day to give her a hug and check in on her. And then I continued to still invite her to things but now she started saying no to EVERYTHING. So I just stopped asking. She and her boyfriend got back together, but then broke up again and he wanted to chat.

In that chat, he told me that she said I was rude and that at one event my boyfriend and I kissed and ignored her and that she doesn’t believe she should be treated like that and refuses to be my friend but will be nice to my face because our daughters are friends. I felt like I was in high school. I said ‘oh well it’s a shame she feels that way. I don’t remember the incident and I would never have done something to deliberately hurt her. I’m still happy to be friends and I’ll continue to be myself around her.’

They are now back together again and I ran into them on the beach this morning. I walked over to where they were to say hi and it was awkward. She said hello but he just looked away and then they walked off. It was a very obvious “we do not want to talk to you” action.

I understand I can’t know what they are thinking, or even know what was happening for them this morning. Maybe he was upset about something and it has nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to go into a story about it but I was left feeling a little dumbfounded.

I’m trying to process this
– I was happy to be friends with her but it wasn’t a super deep friendship for me. I was happy to pull back and spend time around other people. For me, there was no need to cut the friendship off but I have to respect her decision to do so.
– From the words she said to me on the phone and her boyfriend’s account, she was hurt at me pulling away, felt rejected and so went into a full rejection of me to maybe protect herself.
– It doesn’t bother me that we are not friends anymore. I am happy to go up and say hi because that’s the type of person I am. What I would like to work on is how I can take responsibility for my part in this. To learn and grow from it.

When I started to pull away from her it felt good. I felt like I was protecting the life I wanted for myself. I want to be around people who actively improve their lives, not sit around crying about it. But now I have judgment toward myself about the way I acted and for judging her. I felt I was there as a shoulder to cry on, but maybe I could have done more for her. I didn’t feel I could tell her I was deliberately pulling back at the time because that would be kicking her when she was down.

At the time of pulling away, it also felt good because I’ve had a story in the past of ‘always having issues with friends’. This time I felt less graspy. I don’t need to stay close with someone. I’m good on my own. I don’t need to have friends for the sake of having friends. I can choose to fill my life with like-minded people.

But now that this is has turned into awkward meetings on the beach, I’m wondering if I handled it all wrong. Yes, I’m aware she was the one who decided the less amount of time I was giving her was not good enough so therefore we should spend no time together. And I’m aware that I can not care what they think about me or what they choose to do when we see each other. I guess I just find the whole thing a little sad because it didn’t need to get to this. I was happy to still go for walks and have BBQs together.