Hi Brooke,

I recently posted regarding a situation with a friend who wants us to move out of our flat which I don’t want to do. You suggested I look at my thoughts and try to allow some of the feelings of guilt, shame and loss and then choose whether I want to think these or not. I’ve started to do these and would love some guidance as to whether I’m on the right track. We’ve now had a conversation where I’ve told her I’m not in a position to move and she’s accepted that but has said she needs some space as feels used and let down by me.

Unintentional model:
C – She says she feels used and let down/blames me
T – I’m at fault. I must have misled her in our initial talks about moving.
F – Guilty
A – Initially apologise, avoid her, ruminate over our initial conversations to try and find evidence to appease guilt
R – Standstill – waiting for her to make me feel better/we don’t talk.

Intentional:
C -She says she feels used and let down/blames me
T – (I struggle with a new thought but was thinking along lines of – I am confident in my decision that I don’t want to move house and have communicated that clearly. I cannot change her opinion)
F – Sad – I still feel a bit sad about this and her decision to put our friendship on the line but perhaps I need to feel sad?
A – Acceptance.
R – Stay in house and let her do her own thing.

I also put this into today’s thought download and again just wanted to check I’m on the right track as have been struggling with new thoughts for intentional models.

Unintentional:
C – friendship
T – I want her to forgive me
F – Anxious
A – Nothing – let her approach me, avoid seeing her
R – Nothing! She avoids me…

intentional:
C: Friendship
T – She’s having a hard time at the moment. This isn’t a reflection of my worth.
F- compassion
A – Be kind, friendly
R – To feel relaxed around her and at home.

I’ve thought that instead of avoiding the anxiety, I should allow it and just behave normally whilst still with compassion that she might be having a hard time too. Is this along the right lines?

I can see from writing down that I want to control her feelings which will never happen but I want to move through the guilt that I’m in the wrong. Historically, if someone has accused me of something I’ll always consider their accusation and my part to play (and normally believe that I must have done something wrong) and I wonder if this belief is where the problem is – ie thinking that I have the power to change people’s feelings? Logically, I know that I don’t but emotionally I struggle to come up with a believable thought that I really accept.

Sorry it’s so long and thanks so much for your help!