I’m working on the belief that I love my house for a few months, but right now I feel like I’m in the river of misery with “I love my house AND I hate my house.” Both statements feel true and I can find evidence for both.

But yesterday and today were “I hate my house” kind of days where I just wanted to sell it and move. What triggered the thoughts was the news of our after-the-fact permit for resurfacing our driveway being denied. For the 3rd time. We now have to apply for a variance and see if that’ll be approved or remove 250 sq ft of the driveway.

When I read of the denial yesterday, I first noticed my feelings; I was anxious with a high-energy buzz rising from my chest to my face, almost like a wave of electricity, causing my face to get red and hot like when I used to get flushing from rosacea. About an hour later, I felt drained, tired, sleepy. By the time I went to do a thought download for the above, I had transitioned to feeling disappointed and like crying.

My thought download revealed thoughts of it not being fair and “I just want this to be over.” It spiraled into, “This house is a money pit” “I just want to sell it” “We can’t afford a house the way we want” “I have to stay here for now” and “I don’t want to spend another $40k to make it look decent (after already spending $70k)”.

I continued with those thoughts yesterday and this morning, feeling very sad as a result. I knew it was my thinking and so I wanted to play around with it to give myself evidence of it.

So I asked the question, “How would I feel about this house if it were paid off?” And immediately I felt a more positive energy. I thought I would love it a lot more because I would “only” need another $40k to make it more like the way I want (the opposite of what I thought before). I also thought I would love knowing it’s mine and that I don’t have the “burden” of its mortgage debt weighing me down. I thought that just knowing I own it free and clear makes me happier, and that the $4k-5k/yr I pay in homeowners insurance for my 1,200 sq ft home seem more doable.

At the heart of it, I think the thoughts about owning the house outright make me feel safe and secure and gives me satisfaction and comfort in being able to call it mine.

So I asked the question, “If owning or owing on the house are both neutral circumstances, what thoughts could I think that would produce feelings of love and pride (of ownership) for the house and the feelings of safety and security I’d feel after reaching my goal of paying off the mortgage?

Here I’d like feedback on my coaching thus far and suggestions of intentional thoughts I could start playing around with.