Yesterday, I set out to generate loving feelings, towards my partner and myself. My goal was to better handle her negativity bias and moodiness (incidentally, she was diagnosed as depressed two years ago by a professional, so I assume that it is OK to put her state of mind in the C line; hopefully you can confirm that in your answer). I must admit that this is my Achilles heel and need coaching! I was unable to muster that feeling with repeated comments that triggered me. It was a bit like being in a ring with a bigger and stronger opponent and getting knocked off my feet repeatedly… surely getting back up, but slower and more wobbly than the previous times.
Here is what I wrote down at the start of the day in my diary:
I want to practice **loving** today. Actually over the whole weekend. I want to be loving towards my partner and myself. I want to find a way to do both. The model I did on this a couple of weeks ago seems shift my thoughts for the better:
C: partner in a pissy mood
T: fuck! here we go again!
R: her mood transfers to me
C: partner in a pissy mood
T: I can handle this
A: be present to whatever happens
R: know the right thing to do
So if I combine the feeling of confidence with loving, seems to me that would be a powerful state for both of us. Love is warmth, in particular in the chest, around the heart. Butterflies in my stomach. Slight buzzing everywhere in my body, but mostly in my arms weirdly enough! My throat feels warm and a little tense. The feeling that tears can easily well up in my eyes. My mind get less focused. Thoughts are less clear. I can lead with this feeling and add **compassion**. Compassion brings in presence and more focus of the mind. It is more outwardly focused, the attention on the other person. Then, I round it up with **confidence**. Whatever the negativity that comes up, I can handle it. I know what to do. I return to compassion which is non-judgemental and accepting and **loving** for the humanity of both of us.
I felt really great after writing this, actually cried a little since it resonated so deeply with me. I was “in state” and prepared for the day! Unfortunately, love gave way to anger a lot. It would come up in flashes, and I would observe it silently and allow it to dissipate it as best I could by reminding myself that she can go about her life as she pleases and I am here to practice loving with compassion and confidence. By supper time, I searched for love but got nothing. I felt numb and wanted alone time. I suggested that she go relax while I took care of dinner. A little later, my partner’s mood improved and was grateful for the meal and St-V gifts I had bought her. Relief came over me now that the “bell had rung and that I could finally get out of the ring”. When I look back at yesterday, as with all episodes when my partner struggles with anxiety and depression, resentment comes up… still. I know that the resentment comes from my inability to handle my mind during these episodes. I wish I could make it more like a dance instead of a fight… 🙂 Quite obviously, not there yet!
Thank you so much!