Three years ago, I started a relationship. S and I had talked extensively about what we were looking for, and both felt we’d found the right person. We spent a lot of time together for about six months. I fell in love. One day, she sat me down and said she loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. I meant a lot to her, we always had fun together, why didn’t we just keep on doing that and just not say we were in a relationship? I was plain that I prefer to be in a monogamous relationship, and if she wanted that to change, then I needed to just be done with the relationship. She indicated no, she was happy enough with how things were. We went on another couple months, my love grew steadily, and so did my insecurities. I was abandoned as a child, and wow did that get dredged up. Eventually, she began mentioning when she started dating again… and it was horribly painful for me. I couldn’t face the idea of watching/hearing about a new love interest, and I pulled away. She expressed how much she cared for me, and valued my friendship and faithfully has checked in via text or email every few weeks for two+ years. I said no talking on the phone, it was just too painful. Looking back, I see that I then jumped into another relationship after this to soothe/distract myself. And then another, and another. When the last one ended, I faced the truth, I was still in love with S. I’d never fully grieved that relationship – I couldn’t stand the pain of it! After some time, she apologized. She had realized with time she wasn’t really where she wanted to be emotionally, and said she was so incredibly sorry to have hurt me. Today, I know I still have those feelings and obviously distracting myself with other people hasn’t worked out so well. Was this a perfect relationship? Nope. We have opposite political views and I felt like she had a manual for how I would look and dress that annoyed me lol. That said, I admire who she is, I enjoyed her company so much. I decided to just stay single, and work on my own personal growth. Sometimes, the feelings rise up again. Sadness, missing her, some anger (dammit why couldn’t you love me the way I wanted you to! Lol), and frustration (we were so damn good together and here we both sit single becauseyou had some fairytale/unicorn idea of what love should look like!!!”, and yes, I know those are just my thoughts). Through the work we did in Scholars in November, I made the decision that I would allow those emotions as part of my human experience and stop buffering them. That has helped some! Thanks for staying with me through this long story! I’d appreciate help with my model.
C: S doesn’t love me (definitely not neutral)
T: this isn’t fair!
F: Sadness, anger, abandonment (Depending on the day lol)
A: Find someone to distract myself with, start a new relationship
R: I’m buffering with people
T: She is a good person
F: mild sadness
A: Focus on myself
R: life goes on with a lot less buffering