Currently, I feel anxiety often, am a perfectionist, and have this need to be accepted so badly by others. I’ve always asked myself why these feelings are there – as though if I knew why they were created this would somehow make it go away. This always gets me ruminating in my childhood and I tend to blame this result in my life on my dad and step-mom and how they showed up in my life.
I realize that none of this is helpful. I really just want to move on from these feelings/results in my life, stop thinking about my past, and get over these feelings I have about my dad and be present when I am with them now and not be carrying all this past baggage with me.
I’ve tried doing several models on this and end up getting stuck all the time. Basically there are so many things I could list in the circumstance line that they’ve done and my thoughts are usually something like they only care about themselves, they don’t love me, they are narcissists. My feelings are usually guarded, distrusting. My actions are withdrawal and disconnection. My result is a fake relationship with them.
I’m wondering if these models and picking apart all these perceived mistreatments of my childhood are even worth my time as it just keeps me in my past. I’m not even sure how I would make an intentional model off of these.
Then I’ve made models of my emotions:
T- My dad is the cause of my anxiety and people pleasing.
A- I just accept that I’m anxious, play the victim, blame my past
R- I remain anxious and resentful
T- I can overcome this, my anxiety doesn’t need to hold me back
A- Put myself out there, follow through on goals
R- Positive change in my life
For this model, I see how it is helpful but I can’t always get past the unintentional model, any further advice on getting past the blame?
I feel a little all over the place on this so I hope it makes sense!