Getting Worse

I’ve been in SCS since January and have been listening to the podcast for a long time. I’m trying to gain control over my emotional eating and lose the last 15 lbs. I don’t know how many times I’ve recommitted. How many times I said this is the last time. How many times I’ve said today I will allow all urges and follow my protocol. I feel like I’m getting worse. I’ve gained and lost the same 5 lbs since joining. I feel like I’m worse off than when I started SCS in a way, but at the same time I love what I’m learning. It’s like I feel with increased knowledge I know better, and when I know better and continually go out of integrity with the things I’ve promised my relationship with myself has become so bad that I feel like I’m having more and more negative feelings and slipping more and more into apathy. I feel like I’m in a downward spiral, I so desperately want to figure this out, but I’m the moment of negative feelings all I want is to escape and I hate myself for doing it. My life on paper is amazing. The BEST husband in the world, the BEST kids, financially secure, great friends, my health. But I’m screaming inside. I do my daily thought work and wrote down my protocol but half way through the day my kids are well being kids and negative thoughts and emotions arose and my commitment goes out the window so I can get some relief. Which of course is followed by more negative thoughts and feelings and then I just want to hide because the food isn’t taking away the negative emotions. I want to have integrity with myself. I’ve never done anything hard and I awlways quit. I’m just not sure I can keep making promises to myself and keep committing, if I follow my same pattern of quitting. I don’t know how to stay motivated and think believable thoughts to keep me on track when the excitement of the commitment wears off. I feel the toddler with a knife is running the house and I’m too tired to chase her anymore… she keeps outrunning me.