Giving up the victim mentality after trauma

I’m having a very difficult time with self-pity and victim mentality. I have very painful relationships with my family of origin that keep popping up as “proof” I’m not good enough. It’s affecting all my other relationships and my business.

Both my parent were alcoholics growing up. My childhood was a nightmare filled with abuse and abandonment. My mother died in a drunk driving accident a few years ago after she hit her rock bottom. We were estranged but I still had to clean up the mess because both my brothers are emotionally and financially incompetent. I had to take care of the family’s finances myself out of pocket. Over $20k. I resent them for being this way and letting it all fall on me.

My dad who was divorced and remarried, is alive and also an alcoholic. He and I share very different beliefs. He and my stepmom are very racist. My stepmom hasn’t spoken to me in almost 4 years because we got into a fight when I told them I was engaged to my now husband, because they “didn’t know him so they couldn’t possibly be happy for us”. We decided to elope and they’ve never met him. My dad told my brother, “she’s stuck up now”, after we bought a place in NYC.

My husband’s family is the exact opposite. My mother in law lacks boundaries and uses snide comments and guilt to get her kids to do what she wants. Shame and guilt are the motivating factors in their family, but they all seem to get a long and accept this. I have a hard time when my MIL does this to me because I don’t see it as love, I see it as manipulation because my mom used to do the same.

I don’t feel like I have any support from them and I also go back and forth if I would even want it because of how hurtful and manipulative they all are towards me. I know they don’t mean to be, it’s just who they are.

Now, It’s really affecting my coaching business. I’m finding it really difficult to tap into my “hero’s journey” in my marketing because my story sounds whiny and immature. My consults aren’t converting because I can’t separate my story from theirs and when I try to evaluate them, I always make it mean they’re just looking for free coaching or vetting me and I didn’t “pass”. I’ve noticed recently I have the thought that coaching isn’t working for me so how could I sell something that isn’t working?

How can I rewire my thinking about myself and my past? How can I drop the victim, pity party so I can move forward in my life and business?