Giving Up vs Okay Thought


I keep having the thought “I should be doing something artistic in my career.” I have been having this thought for most of my adult life. I have been responsible and worked in respectable careers, but I always feel as if something is missing and I should be doing something else. I have been engaged in artistic hobbies, but decide to not pursue them as careers because I believe that the joy will disappear. So, I continue on with my career but always feel disappointed because I should be doing something else.

I can recognize that I am adding unnecessary stress to my life, but I can not stop thinking this thought and it causes me daily anxiety. It seems nonsensical to me because I believe that if there is something artistic that I am meant to create a career out of then I should know what it is. If that were the case, then I would just need coaching on achieving that goal but my current situation makes no sense to me. I also think that subconsciously I do not value my current or prior career because they have not been artistic and have not been my “purpose.” How do I know if I am really meant to do something artistic and I am just giving up, or if it is just a thought that I should just allow and not be given any more importance than any other thought?

C- current career
T- I should be doing something different that is artistic and fulfills my purpose
F- Anxiety
A- Don’t go all in with prior or current career; get mad at myself that I am not fulfilling my purpose; look for the answer to the question “what am I supposed to be doing?” by asking others (which makes me feel vulnerable, needy, and creepy); engage in hobbies and give them up & get mad at myself for not knowing what I really want (“why didn’t I make my hobbies career????”)
R- Same cyclical pattern

Many thanks!