I keep recreating a cycle with the guy I am dating (2-3 months).
The cycle goes “hmm I am not sure we are right for each other” → “ah but it is really fun and he asks me questions and the sex is good, maybe that is enough” and then I panic about how quickly he replies and I go back to “hmm I am not sure he is right for me/likes me”
I spend the week between the us seeing each other obsessing like crazy over when he texts and when I should text. I got coaching on this and was helped to realize I could think that he thinks I am amazing no matter when he texted.
I then had a bit of a freak out and half ended it with him but then backtracked and decided I liked him enough to give it a proper go. He said he was only interested in something exclusive and I said I could get behind that. And then back to the slow response text pattern. I’d done that TW to think that the text time meant nothing about how he felt about me. He has basically said this – that he doesn’t like texting throughout the day because he finds it really difficult to get anything done. And I can accept that, and I also sometimes get into focused work time/hanging out with friends and don’t want to reply for a whole chunk of the day. But also – the result is today I have no real clue what he did with his day or how he is doing and that is not what I want from a relationship. I want to feel up to speed with each other’s lives and like we are getting of know each other, rather than just not speaking for 7 days and then having an evening of getting to know each other.
And basically I am thinking that actually this is not what I want. I do think he likes me even though he is not texting much but I also find it weird he wants an exclusive thing but then doesn’t seem to actually want to share his life. I want to know about his day, and for him to want to know about mine, rather than just give 5 texts in a ten minute window once a day.
I could try bring this up and do some more work on working out what it is I want and whether I like my reasons but I am back in the part of the cycle where I’m like “this is not what I want, why hasnt he replied…”
I think what I want from a relationship is to have fun, to learn about myself and someone else, and to get close to someone.
(I think in my last 6 year relationship that recently ended I felt constantly dissatisfied by my partner’s not wanting to share his internal life with me, and yet I took a long time time to end it)
C: seeing S
T: He should reply quicker
A: either don’t text him, or write about him in my journal and complain to friends about him, analyze and wonder what he is doing, think about what he wants and is thinking about me rather than what I want and about what I am thinking about me. I focus on one specific thing he is doing wrong rather than looking at the bigger picture of what I want for my life
R: I make my feelings dependent on his replies
I think I feel torn because when he does text I start thinking to myself that I am wonderful and desirable and funny (which I can see now I should just practice not regardless).
When I am with him, he is very sweet to me and we have a fun time.
I also have done this panic about the texting a fair bit and then I go back to seeing him be really nice to me and seeming to be keen, so the not-texting doesnt seem like as much of a problem (until I am home again).
Where I want to be I think:
C: boy exists
T: We don’t match in what we want right now
A: tell him kindly but clearly that I do not want this anymore, not to get a reaction or to change behaviour but because I am showing up for myself. I step up for what I want right now rather than spending all my time trying to contort into what I think he wants me to be.
R: I intentionally match my life with what I want