I’ve changed the way of doing protocol to be more sustainable long-term. I also decided to start exercising again. Previously, I just was not getting enough food so I’m transitioning over. I’m noticing with me eating more that I am full all the time. In the last month, I have gained maybe 2 lbs, a lot I’m sure of muscle. That does not bother me, but the feeling of being constantly full is what bothers me. I have the thought- you are eating too much because you don’t feel hungry. You will for sure gain weight. That makes me feel anxious, which makes me think that it doesn’t matter what I eat.
Buffering used to be a huge hurdle for me. Now, less so but I am focusing that energy on business and work now and now it seems that my hands are pulled in three directions of my work, business and body. I feel divided and do not want to slip back into old habits. I recognize that in my unintentional model, the thought I’m having of ” it doesn’t matter, you might gain weight” doesn’t serve me as it makes me feel like I have permission to buffer, then I don’t process my emotion. On the other side I’m in the river of misery a bit with things b/c things are coming to the surface.
I am stuck between still trying not to buffer, and also staying focused on my goals. I don’t want to gain the weight back. I don’t want to keep bingeing. I fought so fiercely to be able to process the urges and get to 100. But the desire to overeat is still there when I face an emotion I’m not used to experiencing (normal brain patterning.)