Going on a Diet – No Regret, Guilt and Shame ever!!


Hi Brooke,
As I wrote down this post for you, I got my own revelations and understanding. So no questions! Just epiphanies. Please share if you have any advice for me.
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I was writing down my Week 3 work to name top 3 “Unwanted but need to feel” emotions. I wrote down “Regret” as one of them. As I starting writing down thoughts that cause it, It dawned on me that Regret/Guilt/Shame (RGS) combo is something that I feel (for years and years) everyday at least once. Thanks to this month’s work I am able to recognize them and name them.
I have this tendency to second guess my thoughts, words and actions and wish I thought/said/did differently after the event is over.This happens to anything minor – replying to a text from friend to major things like – Speaking at a public event.
My thoughts that cause regret are:
– 1 should’ve not said that
– I should’ve done that differently
– How could I say that, that was so negative!
– Everyone would have noticed that my sentences were not coherent and didn’t make any sense. I wish I could do it again differently.
etc
I understand regret, shame and guilt are different emotions, but for me they come in a batch (buy one, get 2 free haha).
My actions when I feel any of the above emotions
– beat myself up
– ruminating/spinning thoughts
– wishing to go back in time and correct my actions
– create stressful thoughts
So I immediately classified all these 3 feelings as “Indulgent”. They cause me to buffer, stay stuck. I want to reclaim all the time and brain power wasted on them and never think those thoughts anymore.
But my question is, sometimes they do feel like “Unwanted but need to allow” emotion and unless I do I cannot improve myself ?
For example, years ago, I was at an event for high school girls to raise awareness about importance of STEM education. I was talking to a group of girls, got carried away and said – “Computer science degree was very hard, I worked day and night to solve my assignments at school. I will not go back to school ” and immediately regretted it (regret it even now).
My thoughts are :
That was totally negative.
I may have influenced some girls negatively when my whole responsibility was to encourage them to join STEM
I know I wanted to tell them it would be hard and they can totally do it, but my words did not convey my intention.
Above thoughts cause RGS for me. If I don’t feel it and just cut it out, how can I make changes? How will that make me a better speaker next time (know my audience, prepare before, etc)?
I have my own answer for that – Yes, I can be a good speaker and make positive impact by cutting out these emotions. Feeling RGS is not going to help me get that result. Here is the model
C: Speaking improvement
T: Yes, I can be a good speaker and make positive impact by cutting out these emotions from my life
F: Stressfree/peaceful
A: Coach myself before those events. Make notes. Take deliberate steps to create positive impact and encouragement
R: I show up the best version of myself and create as much positive impact for me and others.
WOW just wow. RGS is out of my life!!
– B