I have heard you mention “grab assing” as a form of buffering. I am ashamed to say that I do this. I am a married (21 years) mother of four boys (ages 16 to 4) and I fell into this black hole of messiness after a night of drinking with an old friend more than 5 years ago. It turned into an affair. The thought of losing my marriage, my family and my reputation just couldn’t compare to the thrill and excitement of being wanted ~ of having someone other than my husband attracted to me and paying attention to me. It was an escape from reality and it felt so damn good. Sounds so pathetic. My husband caught me but that still wasn’t enough. I currently have inappropriate conversations with two men. Everything about this situation is bad – the potential devastation, the shallowness of it, the fact that they are married and I am married, feeling needy and weak, the amount of brain juice I spend thinking and worrying about it, hoping they will text me, worrying if I will get caught. The thought of hurting my husband (yet again) and my family makes me sick to my stomach. But here I am, still wanting that thrill, the feeling of being desired, the feeling of desiring something that I shouldn’t.
I am afraid to give it up (just like I am afraid to give up wine) because I am afraid I won’t like my life enough. I know you say, change your life so you do like it. But my life is my husband, four sons and my job. Yes, I am changing how I think about my life but in the daily grind, there isn’t much excitement or thrill. I know you say that joy is so much better than immediate pleasure (especially when the pleasure I am talking about is so empty) and I agree but the joy is few and far between.
I know this has to happen. I have to stop. I want so much more FROM myself and for my life and this behavior doesn’t serve me. But it feels so good, for a moment at least.
Should I do the same thing as I would if I was serious about over drinking? Use the 100 Urges Worksheet? Model it (I have!)? Go cold turkey and wallow in my loneliness and boredom? How is it even possible to feel lonely and bored when I am surrounded by my husband and kids all the time and have a million things to do??
Thank you Brooke. You are working wonders on my life but this is a biggie that needs to go.