Grandma kicking me out


I’ve been living with my grandma for the last year and I have done a lot of work on myself to improve our relationship. I’ve worked on becoming less reactive, more patient, more loving, being more understanding when she’s upset at me, and learning to be okay with the discomfort I feel when she is upset at me.

I’ve noticed a pattern with her that every few months she seems to be in a negative mood over some built up resentments she has towards me and won’t communicate about it, but instead lashes out, intentionally starts fights, and then blames me for the whole thing. We have a few good months where everything is great, she’s happy and fine, and then she starts getting irritable and resentful towards me for reasons unbeknownst to me. I use to get upset back and then I would act poorly, but now I’m recognizing that these are just her thoughts. So I’ve started trying to be more curious, compassionate and understanding towards her when she gets like this.

This same thing just happened a couple days ago and I reacted poorly to her (better than I would have in the past but still not totally calm and peaceful). The next day she put a 60 day notice on my door. I later asked her if she wanted to talk about why she’s upset and she didn’t want to try to work through things. She just kept going in circular crazy-making arguments avoiding my attempts to try to resolve things.

I’m feeling a lot of emotions and having a lot of thoughts….

Some of them are self blame. I feel like I did something wrong or I could have done things better.
Some of them are just recognizing that this is just her pattern and I can’t be responsible for other people’s behavior.
I feel frustration and fear because I’m not financially ready to move out.
I’m sad that this is the state of our relationship.
I feel sad that maybe had I done something differently I would still have a home to stay until I am financially ready to move out.
And I feel sad because I don’t feel I have done anything wrong. The things she accuses me of are so irrational that it just doesn’t make sense.
At the same time I feel like I can be at peace with her resentment towards me and still love her regardless of her behavior without me holding onto resentment. (Letting her have her experience and just being with my own discomfort).
I also think maybe just not living together is the best thing for our relationship, even though it sucks because I’m not financially ready to move out, nor do I feel clear enough on where I want to live long-term and am tired of moving around so much.

I can’t tell what is actually my fault and my responsibility and what is truly her stuff that has nothing to do with me. I just want to be at peace with it all but I feel like her kicking me out and starting all of these crazy fights means that I’ve done something wrong. And if I’ve done something wrong, I would like to not keep repeating this because I do want to have healthy relationships in my life.

I feel sad, confused, hurt, and worried about where I’m going to go.