Guilt 2

I have built in a couple of days a week in my schedule so that I am not with my children. I am paying childcare as my mother works full time and there is no one else to have my children. I have an elderly great auntie and great Uncle who will have them if I am desperate. However again this brings up feelings of guilt because they are elderly.

I have built this into my schedule as I have a lot of things going on in my personal life at the moment. However the main reason being my health is not good, so it gives me some time to get on top of things and if needed to try and rest.

C = My children are in childcare (when I am not in work)
T = I should be with my children. I am a bad mum. If anyone finds out they will judge me and think less of me/ will think I am a bad mum. OMG what would I say if I see anyone. I hate my ill health – it is to blame for me not being able to cope as well as other mums. Other mums have their parents to rely on- I don’t
F = Guilt, Shame, embarrassed, upset, self -hatred, Fear/ panic.
A = Hide away in house, won’t go out anywhere in case anyone sees me. Feel worse.
R = Not giving anyone a chance to prove me wrong?

C = My children are in childcare (when I am not in work)
T = I will be a better mum if I can have this space to rest and catch up with chores/work etc. It is important to get these chores done so that I have a safe healthy environment for my children. Overseeing/ working on my fathers estate and business will help my family financially, Other mums take breaks too, perhaps they just use their family members. It is hard for anybody, without health issues, to be a full time carer for 2 young children. It is important to look after myself, making myself more ill will not be good for my family/children.
F = A little less guilt, shame, embarrassing. Relief
A = I’m still hiding indoors – I’m not quite there yet!

I know I need to believe these new thoughts and I know I am not serving myself. The feeling is very strong and quite resistant. I try and practice, but am finding it challenging to let this belief go. I honestly don’t know what I would say to people if they asked me what I was doing. This still fills me with panic! Even though I know it is justified. I think I am worrying what other people think way too much here! I don’t want to though!

I would love to hear your thoughts and advice on this.

Thanks xx