I am noticing a pattern of feeling guilty and maybe shame when I eat. I”m not sure what the difference is between guilt and shame but I feel it a lot when I eat. Today I was going to eat breakfast around 10 am but my mom called and said she needed my help now and wanted me to come over but added you wouldn’t be able to come now right. I felt guilty. I wanted to help her but somewhere I feel I don’t do enough to help her and she knows I am not a good daughter. So I decided to not eat and go help her. I was at my mom’s house when I got a chance to eat around 12 noon. I was starving by then. I took out 4 pieces of bread and 2 eggs to eat. I thought this is too much food. I felt guilty. I ate it but was still feeling hungry. I know it was a physical sensation in my stomach. I thought why am I still hungry? I shouldn’t be hungry. That was a lot of food. Maybe I felt shame and guilt?? There was cake on the table and I thought I don’t know what healthy food to eat right now and I shouldn’t eat the cake but I want to and I am hungry. I told myself no you can’t have the cake but then gave in and ate it. I couldn’t stop myself I kept eating slices of cake. All the while in my mind I am thinking this is not not good for me. I shouldn’t be eating it. This is going to make me fat. I felt really guilty and I ate it anyway. By the time I was done I felt overstuffed and felt more guilt and shame because I was thinking I am going to gain weight for sure now.
As I write this down, I am noticing how much guilt I have around food. I also see the result of my thinking is that I gain weight. I need help. It seems my mind likes to put me in confusion. Almost like I am telling myself my hunger is out of control and I don’t know anything good that can fulfill it so the only option is the stuff that will make me gain the weight. I think I am telling myself that it’s not good to have desires. My desires will destroy me. Help, please.