I’ve been going through How to Enjoy Being You + numerous LCS podcast episodes, and understand that liking myself really comes down to deciding to like myself as I am.
But how do I decide to like who I was in the past, when I wasn’t a decent person to other people?
I could tell myself all day that “I wasn’t a decent person” is just a thought, but this thought has been reinforced by family and friends. I have been directly told that I was not a good person.
Since that period of my life, I’ve done alot of work on myself, and can say that I can believe that I like myself as I am TODAY, but when thoughts from the past creep in, I can’t get myself to like who I was in the past. When I try, it feels like I’m excusing myself for the hurtful things I’ve done and said. And all the cringy things I’ve done and said.
When I’m around friends who I’ve hurt in the past, I find myself still feeling guilty and then I fall into people-pleasing, in this subconscious effort to right my wrongs.
And because I haven’t been able to get myself to accept my behavior in the past, when someone tells me they like me now, it’s hard for me to believe. I assume that they are just being polite.
I know these are all thoughts. I just haven’t cracked the code to liking myself, when I can’t get myself to like who I was in the past… especially when all my self-judgmental thoughts have been confirmed numerous times by people close to me.