I hate my (soon to be ex) husband. I do not trust him and think he is trying to harm me and destroy me. He has a good friend he hangs out with whose ex-wife killed herself during their divorce and I tell myself he is getting coached by this friend to make me miserable. (I am not having thoughts of harming myself or anyone else).
I am aware that hate, anger, resentment, fear are all toxic to me, as a sort of objective fact, however I am not feeling like releasing them.
Earlier in the divorce process when all I had to forgive him for was cheating, lying, not keeping his word, being angry/yelling at me, I was able to do that. At this point, I do not feel like forgiving him or getting along with him, or being the first person to make it work, in the face of ongoing attacks/attempts to harm. It seems to me when I give in, admit any mistakes, try to compromise, he just takes, blames more, continues his antics.
I have read that one person can change a relationship and so I think that I should be changing the relationship and am disappointed in myself that I have not been successful so far and even more that I do not want to be the one leading the change at this point.
It seems I am stuck with anger and resentment if I choose not to forgive him.
I can focus on other things that have nothing to do with him and feel some positivity, but unfortunately, I’m forever tied to this person who seems to have the desire to see me suffer, as we have young children. I never imagined giving my children this life (a childhood worse than my own), and what is happening now is not what we agreed to.
I guess, I’m noticing that I have no desire to get along with him, give in to his desires. I wish my children didn’t have to be with him as much as they do.
It seems I’m just damning myself to an eternal hell, though giving in to him just seems like damning myself to his hell.
I guess in some ways it seems like my reasons make sense for not wanting to get along with him, because it seems the only way to do that is to let him be in control and get everything he wants, and he will still be angry and controlling…. and we will still not be getting along.
I’m wondering what I’m not seeing here, and a bit afraid that it is just that I have to give in to him.
I would be happy to “move on” and never have to see him again, but that is not possible unless I abandon my girls (do not want to do this) or leave with my children (again, not an option as I do not want to be a criminal)… so, although I know we can choose anything, I feel I must choose to co-parent with him, and I can’t stand him and don’t trust him.