Hating my job /where I work


Hello,
I am a physician and I really don’t like where I work. I used to have a leadership role and stepped down from that. I don’t believe they run the organization in a sustainable way. Since I stepped down the position has not been filled and we do not have enough staff for the workload/patient load.

I am having trouble from the person who just assumed position as my supervisor in requesting vacation.
I am feeling upset.

Models
C: That is a lot of vacation in March, do you have the same flexibility to see clients as you do next week? (I asked for one day off next week, but changed my schedule to work two days I don’t usually work to see all of the clients next week, so I didn’t actually take any time off next week. He is asking me to do that now again).
I have a number of thoughts:
I don’t like working here.
I have vacation, they have to let me take it.
They are not hiring enough staff and then blaming the staff for not having enough staff to see patients.
I have to get out of here.
They don’t appreciate the staff they have.
I don’t want to work there.
They are not treating me right.

And then I have urges to behave defensively or offensively. I imagine I’m being discriminated against for being a woman or an unmarried mom. I try to figure out how to protect myself and I think of the wrong-doing that has occurred. I think that I need to find the reason they can’t prevent me from taking my already earned vacation days. I think more about mismanagement, in appropriate words they said (C= mail boss said doctors are a pain in the ass for example).

I then think it would be better to drop it all, but have the follow up thought that then I’m allowing myself to be unfairly treated, I’m getting pushed around, not standing up for myself.
I kind of oscillate between the two of these. Either feeling aggressive/defensive/protective, or feeling as if the path to freedom is not sticking up for myself.
I often think that maybe freedom is worth any other choice, but I do not always feel this way.