Hating myself pattern, 2


C: email said ever since their website launched, their traffic has been down
T: I did a bad job (and it’s my fault)
F: self-loathing
A: ruminate about being fired, quitting, how this is my fault, try to find evidence that it wasn’t my fault. Check to see if my colleague replied to the email. Step away from the computer. My face gets hot, my thoughts are racing. I stop working on my project. My brain loops on “I hate myself”, I don’t question the blame this client is offering me, I don’t process my emotions, I don’t explore solutions, I don’t check in with myself on what is and what is not my responsibility here, I believe the client’s model
R: I do a bad job at managing my brain on purpose

Yeah, I am afraid that I do a bad job with my work. I was afraid to write the thought because I’m afraid it’s true.