Hating myself,

This morning I listened to the self-loathing episode in which Brooke said hating yourself is a choice and you don’t have to allow it. My experience with the thought “I hate myself” is that it loops in my brain over and over and it seems like I cannot control it. It’s like an obsessive thought error or something. I think I have models about this model. I think I still think my job is causing these feelings. It does seem like I don’t have these thoughts unless I’m trying to work. I can appreciate my job for this because all of my negative self-talk comes up for me to work on. But it’s a lot to deal with. I think the thought has me creating more evidence for me to continue to hate myself. I’m not where I am in my job, I am struggling to be as productive as I want to be, I’m not taking action to build my business, I’m indulging in confusion about whether I even want to start a business. I can see how this thought might just be a protective mechanism for keeping me in the cave and not venturing into unknown which there are a lot of unknowns in my current job and a lot of unknowns about building a business. it’s also keeping me from building a business which is “out of the cave” – but the thought is so automatic and it’s almost like there’s a war going on in my brain where I think “I hate myself” and then I’m like “omg STOP” and back and forth, like my thoughts are arguing with my thoughts. I can also see how I’ve been trying to solve for this thought with external things – coaching, buying stuff, avoiding work, trying to be “better”, etc. but I’ve just created a lot of debt.

I’m also terrified of making mistakes in my job and I’m afraid of missing things in my work, probably because if I do, I’ll think I hate myself and feel terrible. I want to feel confident about what I’m doing and I just don’t. I feel so insecure and self-conscious and the loop starts “I hate myself” and I find all the evidence in the past about everything I’ve done “wrong”. This just feels like such a monumental thing to do models on and work though. Any suggestions for where to start?