Having my back on a big decision in the face of uncontrollable circumstances


I have decided to be in my marriage 100% instead of going back and forth about whether or not I want to be in it. I want to stick to this, but how can I continue to back this decision when I sometimes get stuck in a thought loop that my husband has given up on our marriage?

We have a “conflict” 1-2 times a week. My husband shuts down and says “he doesn’t want to talk about it” and will scroll through his phone for the rest of the night without talking to me. I feel hurt and infuriated at the lack of communication (about thought/feelings/the future, etc), which is usually what the fight is about in the first place. I will own that I start these fights because I push for the communication, but how else can we get connection?? Then I think about other married couples that I know, like my parents, and realize that they do spend a significant amount of time in silence and that it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. They’re happily married. It’s just… hard not to think that he’s given up on us when he refuses to even try to communicate on a deeper level on a regular basis. It’s not that hard for me to talk about emotions. I have a hard time understanding how it can be so difficult and undesirable for him.

C: Husband says “I don’t want to talk about it” and scrolls through his phone for the rest of the night
T: He’s given up on our marriage.
F: Insecure
A: I try to force him to talk with me, I judge him, I judge myself because I feel like a weirdo for having to ask for this from him, I cry sometimes, I overreact, I indulge in confusion, I indulge in self-pity, I complain to my friends, I scan for all the things I don’t like about him, I look for evidence of how different we are, I resent him for “not trying”, I question my decision to be all in 100% in my marriage, I falter, I freeze, I want to give up
R: I give up on our marriage

Wow, that was actually super eye-opening to write out completely, but what would be the best method for having my back on being all in 100% in times of doubt like this? I should try to allow my emotions without acting on them ,and then gradually replace my negative thought, right?