Having my own back after terminating an employee


I made the decision today to terminate a freelance employee I had hired months ago through a 3rd party site to design the look of my website. It was a tough decision for me as we had become friendly with each other during our months working together. However, the circumstance was that she had not turned in 80% of the work that she promised me, missed every deadline, and missed the primary milestone we had agreed to. She was over 2 months late on the project deadline and still had not turned in work. She gave many, many reasons for this (having to complete work for other people, illness of her pet, personal illness, etc)… but in the end, the result was that she did not do her job.

The process of termination is not an easy one through this 3rd party site… so I spent 9 hours today speaking with their representatives and gathering the evidence needed to prove that she had not met her goals. I needed to consult a lot of people to gather the information I needed. Throughout the process I had symptoms in my body of physical illness such as a nauseated gut, sweaty palms, racing heart and exhaustion. I tried to examine my thoughts to find out why I felt so overwhelmed and, quite honestly, afraid. I think my thought may be, “I’m not good at business.” Or perhaps it is “If I had been a better manager, maybe she would have completed her work.” I also have the thought, “I’m probably too nice of a person to be any good at business.” Which leads to the thought, “Maybe I shouldn’t try to run this business. Maybe it is not my calling.”

I am a diamond scholar familiar with this work and I have asked myself what Brooke would say. I think she would say that my thought about the employee was ‘she didn’t have my back’; but ironically, I’m the one not having my back right now, deep down. I’m having trouble feeling good about myself and the situation, even though I do like my reasons for terminating the employee and think they are valid. Maybe Brooke would also say that it’s okay to feel bad, and that maybe I want to feel bad in a situation where I have to fire someone. Like, when a person dies, we want to choose to feel sad about it. Maybe I want to choose to feel bad about firing an employee who I liked.

I can’t seem to find the bridging thought that will help me change the feelings and sensations in my own body. I still feel physically ill, and nervous that this employee is going to try to retaliate in some way. I strongly believe that she is going to dispute the termination, and I guess I doubt that I will win the dispute even though I have lots of evidence. How can I choose thoughts that will help me feel more calm and at peace in this situation, rather than ill amid stormy waters? I know that my own brain is the problem, and not this woman. Thank you!!