Having trouble changing my thoughts to better ones?


There is an entire circumstance of hell I might add. I wrote them, then deleted them, then wrote them, then deleted them. I suppose I still feel victimized and want to justify my feelings (which I might add is very well justified) but there is also a ton of guilt and worry that I know I can’t change someone else.

Here’s the short version so you can get a gist of the situation. I have a brother that chooses to live a life that is one step away from homelessness. I’ve tried to help him. He did a lot of stuff that was wreckless, bad and just awful. Squatters at my mom’s house (after she passed away), lawyers (crummy ones I hired!) to get them out, lots of debt incurred that affected my own family. NY has a law where they have more rights then you. Anyhow, there was a lot, a lot that happened between the 4.5 yrs ago that my mom passed and now. The point is I also treated him poorly when he lived here (I said mean things to him, screamed at him) and just wanted him to get his life together and was so frustrated from his choices and not doing. At the time, I helped pay all his debts, got him a car, 4 phones thru a 8 month period, etc etc. Today he is back to square one, barely living. I do realize that “helping” him did not really help him. After he went thru rehab I thought I was doing the right thing because he was finally in a good place himself. But now, he’s really back to exactly where he was 4.5 years ago barely living. I was paying his car insurance for a while but I can not afford it and then he stopped paying but still drove his car. I’m pretty sure his car we got him isn’t drivable anymore anyhow. So he has no way to support and get around anyhow. He lives with his boss (he doesn’t work really) and I have no way to contact him other than his bosses phone number. I avoid calling to have him call me because I think avoiding is better than knowing whatever that may be.

How do get to the feeling of peace about a situation? How to I get rid of guilt? I suppose if I talked to him and let him know he was loved regardless. I have fear. I’m also not expressive in my feelings which is something I wish were easier. How the heck can I be a coach and holistic health coach I can’t get a hold of my own thoughts and feelings?