having trouble leaving a relationship


Hi Coaches,

I have the desire to end things with my boyfriend, but I simply cannot seem to commit to the decision. I’ve had this desire since the relationship started, which was over 3 years ago. I’ve gotten therapy and coaching on this, but I am still struggling.

I know that this comes down to self-doubt and not trusting myself that I will make the “right” decision, even though I intellectually know there is no “right” or “wrong” decision. I have never been great at decision making. In the past, I’ve always looked to my mother, friends, or teachers to tell me what to do and how to do it. That way, if a decision ends up “bad”, it’s not my fault. My mother and grandmother used to call me “Pierre” because of my catch phrase of “I don’t care” as a kid, due to my inability to make a decision and know what I want. My friends always say I’m fun to travel with because although I never plan trips, and I always say “yes” to whatever they want to do. I’ve always been happy living like this until now. I’m looking to break out of this cycle here. I’ve been so tempted to ask my mother and friends what exactly to do about my boyfriend, but Brooke/Scholars has encouraged me to feel the power in deciding for myself.

My prefrontal cortex is able to logically make a few different “action plans” for leaving my boyfriend. I’m able to think clearly, with the utmost faith. However, when I bring up my dissatisfaction with the relationship to my boyfriend, I see how utterly devastated he becomes and I feel bad for him and I take it all back and pretend like I’m fine. I start to remind myself of the good times. I tell myself I should just try harder at enjoying this relationship. It only lasts a week or so before I become very upset again. It just doesn’t feel right to be with him. This has been a vicious cycle. I guess we could call this “people pleasing” to a certain extent.

Here are my chief thoughts that have kept me in this relationship:
1. I’m trying to avoid feeling regretful and lonely
2. I’m trying to avoid missing him and the relationship
3. I feel guilt for his sadness (I logically know that I should stay out of his model…but I can’t help it sometimes)
4. Breaking up just means making MORE decisions regarding my living situation, finances, etc. As mentioned previously, making even simple decisions does not come easily or comfortably to me.

Thank you