The other day I suggested to my husband that we go away overnight for our anniversary while our adult daughter was home for the holidays so she could watch our younger children (I had already cleared it with her that she would be willing and she is) . He said he didn’t want to take time away from her visit. I felt hurt because I made that mean that she was more important to him than I am. Fact – We have been in marriage counseling for the past year and a half. Fact – He has said “I resent that our daughter took you away from me when she was born.” Fact – He said “You just want to keep me away from our daughter by going away together.” My thought on that is there is some major paranoia going on there.

I dropped the subject at the time but stewed over it for a few days and then decided to do a thought download so that I could move forward and take care of my own needs. These thoughts lead to me sobbing because I don’t want to feel like I am at the bottom of his list anymore. I feel like he will choose anyone else over me just to not feel negative emotions. He walked in while I was sobbing and asked what was wrong. While telling him how I was feeling and thinking, he became very defensive (which ALWAYS happens) and began dropping emotional bomb after emotional bomb. Ultimately I got so angry that I screamed YOU HATE ME! Then I told him that maybe we needed to separate and possibly divorce so that we could heal properly from years and years of emotional dissonance. I told him that I would rather be alone than be with someone that will not choose me. That is when he stopped being defensive and started listening to me. That is when he became kind.

A couple days later he asked about my anger and if I thought it was appropriate to scream at him. I told him that under the circumstances it was totally appropriate and that even though his volume remained low, the tone of his voice and the words he said to me were just as toxic as my yelling. It is called being passionate and my passion regularly shows up in more positive ways than it does in negative ways. While I don’t love that I allowed emotional childhood happen to that degree, I feel completely justified in my anger when my husband starts out acting like he cares about my feelings but ultimately everything has to become about his fears.

I feel like my husband is my enemy because no matter how hard I try with the model and I think I am doing well, he says and does something that makes me wish we weren’t married. When I am not around him I can get to loving thoughts about him but when I am around him I go to some pretty negative thoughts. I am trying to get to the place where I am happy in the marriage so I can have clarity on whether to stay or go. My dream marriage would be to stay and that my husband would be the kind loving man he used to be. (He has MDD, OCD, Bi-Polar and potentiallyAPD and DPD) . He just announced to a large group of people that he has been struggling significantly for the past year and a half. He gave no details but so many people went up to him afterwards to provide compassion. I was grateful to see that but I was also resentful that he gets all this sympathy for dealing with his disorders but there is none offered or extended to his wife or family for the hardship we have to endure in dealing with his disorders. And if I point this out I look like an insensitive jerk.

I know you’re not going to jump in the pool with me on this one. What do you see?