I’ve been away on a trip to Jamaica (for a wedding, which was fabulous and emotional..so much love!!). I didn’t do any work while I was away and I ‘m now feeling the outcome of that.
I have been “thinking” so much again and bringing up lots of past thoughts and pain that I realized I was pushing aside. I noticed that when I do my thought download, I don’t go deep enough with my thoughts and I pretend that I don’t have bad thoughts. I am one of those people that buffered for sooooooo many years with alcohol and made many bad choices along the way. I feel regret and shame over many of those choices. As a child I lived within a very dysfunctional family where my parents hated each other and my dad was mean and angry. He was very good at telling me and my siblings how useless we were and how much we cost him! I grew up thinking that my family was “low class” and that I was unworthy of love. I sought the attention from men as validation that I was worthy but found that was a self sabotaging way to live. I created so much of my own drama. I have come along way from those days but the thoughts still hold me back in my life and my love for myself. I struggle in relationships to this day. I choose men that are emotionally unavailable and continue to feel bad about myself when they don’t work out. I was married for 20 years and I have a beautiful 23 year old daughter. My husband was a great man that loved me wholeheartedly but I was not engaged and did not provide him with the love and attention he desired. He left me for another woman, which I can only assume is giving him what he needs. I do feel regret about that and really need to move past it.
I don’t really know where start with my models on these old, deep thoughts and any input you could provide me would be SO greatly appreciated.