Hi Brooke.
I’m feeling anxious about a demanding friend I have and wonder if you could review / help with my models. I think I’m on to something important here for me as I struggle with demands made by people who I’m close to (insert story about my mother) and am either compliant and resentful or aggressive. I worry about disapproval I think.
Trying to cut the story short – as I love your point that the story isn’t really relevant to the model.
My friend is going through some difficult stuff over year or so and has lots on her plate work and life wise. She’s also struggling to manage things and has lots of internal drama about being a victim.
Anyway I have some stuff of hers which she asked me to bring home with me on a trip we were on together. I only got home 2 days ago whereas she got home 1 week ago so she’s been waiting for it.
She texted me today to ask if she could get it back over the weekend – I replied to say with options for her to collect. It became clear she wanted me to go to her house or meet her somewhere. I’m not willing to do this as I have other plans (including relaxation) and she is often late / changes plans at last minute. I offered to do this next week but she wants it immediately.
So despite not agreeing to take it to her or meet her I’m feeling anxious about disapproval and a bit resentful…which I want to change. I think I was polite and direct so am not uncomfortable with my behaviour. But there is still a nagging knot in my stomach..and I admit I’m expecting another attempt to get me to comply.
So here are my models.
UNINTENTIONAL
C – friend makes demand
T – I don’t want to do that. She’s not going to be happy about me saying no
F – Anxious.
A – ??? I’m not complying and being politely assertive but I have a knot in my tummy
R – ???
INTENTIONAL
C – friend makes demand
T – if she needs it urgently then she needs to come over here.
F – neutral. Calm
A – respond neutrally and offer solutions which suit me
R – I think she’ll solve the problem. No engagement or attachment from me.
