help, protocol when sick


Help.

I have been on protocol for 75 days (according to my diary that I keep of my day’s food plan, I’m not counting the days like a prisoner!). But six days ago I got sick – not hospital sick, but sick enough that I had to extend the hotel room I was staying in by three nights because I had too bad of a flu to leave, that my ears are half-deaf with infection, that I am taking painkillers and decongestants on a schedule, that I’m falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon and sometimes in the middle of a sentence.

And in those six days, I have been really struggling with my protocol. Giving in to urges. Eating from room service whatever my body seemed to be “craving” even if it had sugar and flour. Looking at my plan, eating my plan food, still being hungry and eating more. I am *starting* to feel better now, but I’m not like *really better* – still fell asleep at 4pm today for two hours – but not as out of it as I was.

I weighed myself this morning, I’ve “put on” four pounds since six days ago. I’m sure some of it is water weight, and I’m also saying to myself: I’ve eaten what I needed because I’ve been sick. None of the choices were wrong, there is nothing to berate myself for. But I don’t know what to do now. I’m still not really well… part of me wants to go back to my very strict protocol where I was hungry a lot of the time (which I’d become habituated to, and felt good about: “dining in”) and part of me says “for goodness sake, wait until you can actually hear out of both ears again”.

I want to be kind to myself, to love myself, to be sweet with myself as I would be with a dear friend who was sick. But I also have the mean voice in my head saying “get a grip on this, it’s spinning out of control!!” and when I say things to myself like “plan a protocol with generous amounts of good food and just focus on not eating sugar and flour for one week now, then re-evaluate” it feels panicky and ‘grabby’. So:

C: Got sick. Weight this morning four pounds higher than six days ago
T: it’s spinning out of control!
F: panic, self-loathing
A: plan an unreasonable and unkind food plan for tomorrow
R: rebel, eat more flour and sugar, get into a self-loathing spiral (it really does spin out of control)

C: Got sick. Weight this morning four pounds higher than six days ago
T: ????? [maybe something like “bumps in the road are part of the journey”???? I’m struggling to find a good thought]
F: Calm, self-love
A: plan a kind “re-entry” to no-flour, no-sugar just like I did when I started my protocol, eat health-giving foods that will support my body in healing
R: continue with my weight-loss journey, knowing that small detours are part of the journey

I would really appreciate ideas of better-feeling thoughts in here. Thank you so much 🙂