Help…triggered into something, cant get at it

Yes, I needed this:

Don’t spend time regretting.
I wish I hadn’t said…
I wish I hadn’t eaten…
I wish I hadn’t had that fifth glass…
Ask why.
Be curious with yourself.
Be kind.
Listen to what was going on in your head.
Change doesn’t come from a beatdown.
Change comes from understanding.
So take the time to understand.
It’s all just interesting.
Apologize to yourself and others.
And then, my friend, let it go.

Today I repeated a pattern I had not done in a LONG time.
Above really helps,

Would like some insight.

I scheduled lunch with the accountant and colleague to accelerate his progress on work for us. When he said he had numbers for lunch I thought he meant high level gross figures, not detailed tax figures including a scenario that i did not know he was working on.

mistake 0. scheduling lunch
mistake 1: i did not think to clarify with him the agenda for discussion.
mistake 2: if we are talking about important numbers, we do not do it after lunch. we do it at an appropriate meeting venue.

I have a dynamic with me, my corporate accountant, and my colleague/friend, the chief shareholder in the company.
I work more closely with the accountant but my colleague has more authority/power. I am noticing the situation seems to repeatedly get into an emotionally messy dramatic situation. I lose control. I feel the accountant wants to show he is in control.

I am having trouble with something fundamental to thoughtwork.

My behavior was inelegant and I did not produce the results i wanted
The lunch went haywire, i was blindsighted not ready to discuss this thing the accountant brought up, i “blurted out” that we are not ready to discuss this yet, we don’t have all the numbers, my colleague yelled at me telling me he wanted to talk about it with the accountant, because he wanted to discuss this thing, and the accountant was oblivious, said his numbers were a good estimate

I did not ask the accountant to talk about this today, nor did I know he was talking about it

The accountant did not have all the numbers and it was inappropriate to discuss

I am trying to figure out who and how i am to become so this does not happen anymore

-i did not know the accountant was going to present his version of final numbers, i thought he was presenting intial high level numbers

-i reacted, saying we need to check against the spreadsheet i sent yesterday, and his email was down,

– my colleague who gets explosive got angry at me

-i felt small, powerless, foolish, blamed

later with my colleague/friendI lost my temper, because he said yyes, he thought this was the subject today, and i said- did i ever say this was the subject? and he said yes, you did, and i said no, we were having lunch just to accelerate the progress, and he said, well what about the fact that you discussed number crunching with him, and i said, i was expecting high level number crunching

i am leaving out some details, it was about emotionally packed numbers, as well.

sorry for this, i feel like i behave like a child.

something happened to my best self, where did she go?

who am i right now.

who is my intentional self?

who am i?

how do i understand this?

I have to be someone i am not to get along here
The accountant goes rogue, why does he do this
When he goes rogue, my needs don’t count
I am so out of control here
I am so unprepared for this
I am such a child in these situations
I lose all control
I don’t want to lose control anymore
I hate in when my colleague/friend yells at me
The three of us do not get along as a team
Noone is listening to me


My body is totally revolting the concept off finding thoughts that would bring a positive outcome to a situation like this