HIS RESPONSE TO MY TEXT ON MODELS:
I flew across the country to see you, and on my last day, you stood me up for the day and left me waiting in my hotel room all day.
I flew across the country to see you, and you put me in the guest room.
I flew across the country to see you, and when the bed broke, you still had us sleep apart.
I flew across the country to see you, and you asked me to get a hotel room. Again.
I flew across the country to see you, and you tease me with intimacy. Not sex, but intimacy.
This has nothing to do with not being able to be yourself, but with your unique form of self-centeredness. It’s all about your needs, your time, your quality of work. Even your models are twisted to serve your beliefs.
It’s been almost 6 months, and you diminish my investment in our long distance relationship. I didn’t force you into this relationship, and let you go when you divorced me in the very beginning. You came back, you made that decision. You put up barrier after barrier and make excuses for yourself. You have elevated my thinking in a lot of ways, and I sincerely appreciate that, but I do not have time for one-sidedness in a relationship. I’m too mentally dull for you anyways.
I am not a plaything to be taken out of the dollhouse when convenient. I’ve been homesick and you’ve withheld and taunted me with any replacement intimacy. Thank you for the books and conversation, but I do not wish to continue this relationship. Best of luck with Brooke and NYU.
MY RESPONSE TO HIS RESPONSE:
M, I’m very sad and very sorry to hear you’ve been so unhappy with me and with so much of my behavior for so long.
I know that I’ve been far from perfect in my attempt to navigate this with you…yet despite my clumsiness, I also know that both my effort and my feelings have been sincere.
I’ve done my best to be open with you and to check in with you frequently about your thoughts and feelings to make sure your needs were being met…and I get sometimes that even my best falls short.
I’ve felt your irritation with/resentment towards me – this weekend especially, but before too – yet I chose to take you at your word when you said you were happy just to be with me…largely because I really wanted it to be true.
I understand your decision and I respect it. I never want anything from you that you don’t want to give me. Period.
But I also hope the part of you that invested so much in this relationship won’t just walk away from me without a face to face conversation.
You’ve said a lot of things in this text that you never said before – some which feel hurtful and unfair – and I’d like the opportunity to respond to you directly, to clear up misunderstandings, and to apologize where I’ve been wrong.
Where am I being unskillful? What is off about my model? What is a mature adult way to move forward?