C – I told M I wasn’t coming up with him to his hotel room and was instead going straight home to sleep, he said I lied to him and walked away
T – It doesn’t matter how transparent I am about my feelings, M expects me to be physical with him and he gets pissed at me and shuts down when I’m not—It’s not ok to be myself w him.
F – resentful.
A – I go home feeling icky about the night and the relationship, I ruminate, I spent time doubting whether it’s acceptable for me to wait to be sexual w him until I’m comfortable, I recall all the times he told me he was okay waiting and think that I am justified, I look at my phone repeatedly to see if M has texted me, I decide to make a model about my experience, I notice it’s the first time In six months he hasn’t called or texted to wish me goodnight, I shovel two apples down, i mindlessly scroll through Net-a-Porter…
R – I am way less inclined to be intimate.
C: I told M I wasn’t coming upstairs and was going home to sleep, he said I lied to him.
T: this is uncomfortable, and that’s ok.
A: text my two models to M, tell myself I’m doing the best I can, notice I feel justified in my instincts that there is a disparity between what he’s said to me and how he really feels, and that I was smart to be cautious about investing too heavily in this relationship
R: let it go and go to sleep