Hi, I’ve had a pretty intense past week related to working full time at home while also parenting and educating a toddler full-time during quarantine. My husband, who is also working from home, is expected to work full-time on a typical M-F daily schedule with no regard for being a parent and assisting in co-parenting. This is due to his boss and co-workers, not my husband’s wishes. I have SO MANY THOUGHTS and FEELINGS and I don’t know how to start organizing them into the model.
He has a job
I have a job
He works for/with a bunch of testosterone driven assholes
He is scared to stand up for himself and ask for time to help me for fear of losing his job
His fear looks weak to me. Impotent. Pitiful (without sympathy or empathy — I am resentful)
I work until after midnight and weekends to get my work done because I have firm deadlines
Other than working out, I have had ZERO time for self-care (TD’s, journaling, reading, listening to helpful information in an environment where I can truly focus)
Because his job pays more than mine, I am resentful of not being in the position to tell him to stand up for himself and either get fired or quit if they don’t allow it. I am resentful for not personally offering enough value in the world that I make enough money to not have to depend on people like his boss.
I am taking my emotions out on my husband. I want him to feel as miserable as I do. Is this how I want to “show up?” Intellectually I say no, but my feelings are in full control right now and that feels easiest because I don’t have time and energy to “do the work” to heal. Which makes me more resentful.
I know this is all over the place but I don’t know where to start. I am so angry and resentful and, honestly, I want to keep feeling this way because I don’t think it’s fair that I have to do all the grownup stuff like be emotionally mature and allow people to do ridiculous things and forgive and allow — yes, allow — people to do what they do when it means I have to work doubly as hard at all hours of the day and night while neglecting my self-care because I have deadlines, too. And reading through all of this I am absolutely beating myself for being a whiny fucking baby. I know. I know.