Homework for Father

I’ve been trying to figure out my relationship with my dad forever. He passed away 18 years ago so I can never go back to even discuss.

I didn’t have any real connection with him. I was extremely shy when I was a kid. I never called him dad or really had real conversations with him other than just normal everyday surface stuff. When I spoke of him to others even in my family I’d address him as “my father.” When I’d have to ask him something I didn’t address him in any way, I’d just ask. This has bothered me my whole life but I don’t even know why or how this came to be.

Did my mom or dad just never say “ dad?” Probably. My mom would say “your father.” They weren’t divorced or anything like that.

Anyhow, I never had a deep connection. I wrote him a letter when he was dying because I couldn’t express myself in person. I was never taught how to express myself from both parents really and this has affected me in every area of my life which I am now trying to rectify to grow. I now know I avoided my emotions my entire life.

What is the purpose for this particular exercise? I didn’t learn anything other than learning not to speak. Now what?