House as a metaphor?


I am indulging in confusion on a subject here and also in confusion about why I’m doing that.

C: house we are currently in
T: I hate being in this house
F: stressed
A: spend a lot of time cleaning up, fixing up, over and over again
R: nothing really changes – we just stay in a loop of trying to improve something and it never seems like enough

I look up close at where I contribute to this and it’s like I pile up all these potential projects – but it’s like my movements/actions are small, and I also never make big sweeping changes that really produce what I want:

I have so, so many small papers, notebooks, snippets of thoughts – I feel like I’m a hoarder of creative ideas, rather than the prolific producer I would love to be. When I look around at all of this I feel so many of the indulgent emotions:
overwhelm (there’s so much), confusion (where do I begin), self-doubt (none of these ideas are probably even good enough to go anywhere or I’m not good enough to get them off the ground and make them into what I’m visioning), shame/self-loathing (something must be wrong with me that I can’t break this cycle), scarcity (if I throw out some of these notebooks, materials, ideas – I think I’ll lose both the idea but I’ll also still keep the habit of accumulating more – I’ve done that before, thrown everything out, and I just get piled under it again.

C: papers/notebooks/projects piled up
T: I do all this long-winded wind up to working but accomplish very little in comparison
F: discouraged/shame/confusion
A: sift through the papers, organize, try to make sense of some things, throw things away
R: repeat the pattern

Can you please share any coaching or insights on this? These two things seem very related. I feel like they are both external representations of me and my inability to create something I am really proud of, love, and want to inhabit fully. Thank you!!!