House coaching

I’m doing my daily download and assignment and find myself in a familiar pattern.

Unintentional model:
C: House
T: everything is such an ugly mess and that is a reflection of how I can’t create huge, meaningful, lasting change
F; hate the space, self-loathing, shame
A: I am always cleaning and organizing here – I feel better when it’s clean – but it still doesn’t create the dream space I’d love (small old house with a lot of us in it) and then…it turns into an ugly mess again
R: I can’t stand the space and feel terrible about myself

I know the thoughts I’m thinking are also unkind and disempowering:
I don’t have the money to change this
I can’t get enough money
Because I can’t get my life together
I don’t have other resources to change this
I don’t want to be stuck in this cycle of moving around small pieces (cleaning) within a puzzle I just don’t want to be in.

I know I’m believing this very negative thoughts right now and being very unkind to myself. I thought if I self-coached and wrote it out it would help me snap out of it – because it feels terrible.

My future self has a beautiful, organized, artistic, well-curated space that supports her work, her rest, her family life.

She is not confused about how to get there.

She envisions it.

She designs it.

She takes action (makes money, hires builders, designers, cleaners) to go get it.

But she doesn’t just keep trying to fix it and clean it – the way I have been doing for years.

She knows that if she transforms her mind, her space will follow suit.

And that she doesn’t need to beat herself up about why she hasn’t figured that out already.

And she thinks she is awesome and she loves herself and wouldn’t be as mean to herself as I am being (why does it feel like I can’t help it??).

Her model might be
C: house
T: I love myself and I love this space (I’m not quite believing the second part…)
F: love/gentle…..not believing it
A: I still just clean…and also go back to working to make money and make a vision board
R: I love myself…and have a space that I love?

Can you please advise on where I’m going wrong with the “I love this space?”

Thank you!!