Dear Brooke,

So here are the circumstances :
I am married with two children (4 and 7) and a third on the way (for December). We live in a 2 story-apartment with two bedrooms and own another apartment underneath ours. In light of the growing family and the lack of bedrooms, we are planning to integrate the two apartments into one unit. This change requires that we get a permit from our municipality, a considerable investment for architectural fees and the renovation works themselves, moving out for five months while the works need to be completed and moving our furniture into storage. Due to the impending arrival of the baby we are planning to do all of this under a tight timeframe. We earn sufficient money to pay for this renovation and all related costs.

Now to the situation with my husband: ever since the discussion on this renovation project started to take up speed because of the pregnancy I see an enormous amount of stress in him. He is stressed about the logistics of the renovation, about making time to accompany the project (e.g. choosing materials, colors, kitchen and bathroom furniture etc.), about the loss of passive income from the second apartment which we are currently renting out, from spending a lot of money on our apartment and living situation. We have a lot of discussions about these things where I try to convey my perspective (thoughts: e.g. this is not going to create an unbearable amount of debt, this will flow better for our family, if need be we can disintegrate the two apartments) and how they make me feel (calm, committed, determined). He does not argue with my perspective but says things like “I cannot do this, this is too much”. At the same time he moves forward with the project. However, whenever we hit a small roadblock, or rather I ask for a slight change of plan of execution he starts to completely freak out. To an extent that scares me. Yesterday, when I asked how we go about dealing with the architect, the freak out went as far as him screaming, swearing at me and kicking a chair over in front of our children. I got really scared when it happened and left the scene saying that this conversation is over. But of course it’s not over. We need to find a way of working on it/us constructively. But I am currently at a completely loss as to how to go about this. I know that his action is, according to the model a circumstance and neutral, i.e. that my C line would read: “Husband screams at me in front of children and kicks chair over”. My thoughts are at the moment: “I cannot accept this behavior and have to show him that he’s crossed a line. He cannot behave like this. He is disrespectful and out of control” When I think that thought I feel angry and scared and very sad. I feel like I am making myself into a victim and him a villain and cannot get through to him and his pain and panic. At the same time it seems he does not want me to get through to his pain and panic. When I suggest that there are underlying issues, maybe related to the pregnancy, additional (financial) responsibilities, etc. he freaks out even more and says that I am just trying to divert attention from the issue of the apartment and “my responsibilities” and that he is objectively justified to be angry with me when things do not go according to plan. How, speaking with Byron Katie, do I stay within my “business”, leave him with his business, without losing touch with him and moving forward on “our” business? How can I draw boundaries on the screaming and freak out and get to a place of real communication on the issues? I really would benefit from your perspective. Many thanks!