How Can I Change How I Feel About a Circumstance

I just started scholars this month and just received my materials this week. I had a circumstance with my husband yesterday that I’m struggling to not feel unworthy and pissed off. I feel I’ve done so much work to try to get to the place of feeling worthy and yet this just puts me right back into feeling unworthy. This is one of the reasons I joined scholars, I’ve had a few coaches (business) and yet I’m stuck in limiting beliefs of my own that is keeps holding me back in my business. I feel I won’t get any further if I don’t deal with myself first. It’s times like this I would just like to pick up and leave and start my life all over again. I often question if this is the one piece that would free me from a better life despite it would be a struggle to do it initially. I am a personal chef and wanting to start my business of a holistic health & life coach and eventually stop cheffing – I technically have been a holistic health coach for 5 years. I have kept myself stuck in not putting myself out there for one circumstance after another. I keep attracting crap! I don’t know why? In any case, to get back to yesterday, I feel I should know better not to let is negative energy affect mine, but it is. I’m attracting it right? I’m reacting and not really responding and can’t shake the feeling of unworthy, being hurt and pissed off. I know I could choose to feel love but I don’t nor do I think I should allow to be treated this way. If someone is belittling and deliberately wanting to hurt my feelings, how do you show up with any other feeling of unworthiness, hurt and being pissed off. I’m currently doing the thought download and I can’t seem to figure out the #2 – “why?” (and not attribute it to the circumstance). My husband has always had a bad attitude, he’s pissed off at himself for the way he has lived his life, how others treat him, his job, no confidence, indecisive, does not get involved in our finances, I could go on. You may wonder why I would even marry someone like this. I have been with him since I’m 16. I’m 52 now. I have 3 kids: ages 22, 16, 15. I try to teach/help him with my own actions, I try to be the positive energy in my family to raise my kids so they don’t grow up with the same attitude. And, for the most part he has come a long way but it’s times like this that he goes back in that “black hole” and I question my entire life. I’m not sure whether that is right or wrong. Also, I can’t say he has always been this way but maybe I was drawn to him because of my own feelings of unworthiness, my dad was a functional alcoholic and some of my extended family values were dysfunctional, my mom did her best and sometimes she was on the verge of over drinking herself. My husband hid an addiction and is “recovered for 10 years” but he’s pissed at himself for that (it wasn’t drinking). So he is not comfortable going out with friends anymore and our life has been somewhat sheltered and confined although we do go out and socialize but it’s on rare occasion it’s with others and when we do it’s a struggle for him. These last years I just go out with my own friends separately. It’s made our own relationship difficult for me to have “fun” with him. We haven’t been on vacation in YEARS we don’t have the $. My kids are not really “aware” of his addiction but my older does but we really don’t talk about it. I don’t know whether that is right or wrong. She just graduated from college and is back home and has found a great job and is pursing her masters. Anyhow, they just all know he doesn’t drink. Okay – so sorry for the back story but I do feel I needed to tell you. Does that mean I am perpetuating as a victim just because I need to tell you a little bit of my story to feel justified? So how do I handle how or change how I’m feeling about the situation that occurred yesterday. This whole situation popped up because one of my best friends gifted me and my other best friend a trip to take next month with them for a 4 day get away. Her mom left her a little money and she wants to use it for us and the rest for her father’s future care. So my husband chooses to tell me, “why would she want to do that, why doesn’t she spend the money on blah blah blah”, then he continues to say “its funny, how Laila (bf since 8) wasn’t even in the picture for many years and now all of sudden you guys are best friends for the last 8 years”, he also says “and Gina (my other bff since I’m 7) how she dumped you when she chose a different maid of honor after being best friends your whole life. All this is from years ago, we have been best friends since we are little, yes my bf chose a different maid of honor when she got married altho I was in the bridal party. I was terribly hurt but I’m over it (this was when I was 27!), I forgave her and I choose to have this most wonderful relationship with them both. He continued to just be pissed off and jealous and brought up every thing to hurt me and also just belittle me. Anyhow, the whole point is I realize that I get to choose how I feel. I’m struggling to say I’m 52 and why I am continuing to put myself through such negative energy. I often wonder if it would be better to take my kids and leave – or if in fact it’s better to stay and ride out the storm. I always think the grass is really never greener on the other side and while they say it’s never good to stay in a relationship for the kids sake. Is all our life like this, no it’s not but it’s times like this that I question whether I did the right thing. I’m struggling not to shake my own feelings of unworthiness. I realize I get to choose that. All I want is to build my business so I can have a successful coaching business so I can have a life that is comfortable, unworried about finances, give my kids a more comfortable life, go on vacation, etc. I’m always in a struggle, I have no support from him other than he lets me do what I want. When circumstances of this come up, I struggle to find happiness and not fall into victim mode, despite I should know better. I know this is really too much information. I often feel how can I be a good coach but yet I can’t even get my own life to a happy place. Thank you! I love scholars, it’s exactly what I need!