In my journaling recently, I uncovered several thoughts (verging on beliefs I think) that I don’t like and don’t even logically agree with.
I was clinically depressed from age 19-32. I’m now 35 and am able to manage it much better but still prone to depression.
I have had a (3) 8-15 mos. relationships in my 30’s, and am currently single. My desire is to have a life partner.
Beliefs / Thoughts of resentment:
-I SHOULD have had a relationship(s) in my 20’s to help me through the worst of my depression. Everyone else seems to have had long term relationships, where someone advocated for them / sympathized / supported / helped them. Where was my support?
-I would have ended my depression sooner if I wasn’t so isolated, someone would have helped me get to a doctor sooner
-I could have afforded travel, had someone to relieve the burden of working so I could have started my own business (financial driven resentment)
-I don’t know anyone else who was as alone as I was so for SO MANY years. Why does (most) everyone get long-term bf’s who want to show up for them and share life, but not me?
-I am conventionally pretty, sweet, can be vivacious, a good conversationalist, genuine, desire partnership more than anything….so why do all these girls who seem super shy, less pretty, bad lifestyle habits, anger issues, drama “get” bf’s and husbands and I don’t?
-It feels like most “normal” people benefitted from having one or multiple relationships – even if they ended up divorcing, they had years of stability and support and companionship etc. I’m “normal”, so why NOT me?
-I continue to think I wouldn’t have suffered so much and so long if someone had be there in my life
-I believe I would be further ahead in life now if I wasn’t wasting so much time suffering
SO….I’d LIKE to think that I am the only person responsible for my happiness, health and success, that’s no one’s job to do for me, I know not EVERYONE has partnerships, I’m fortunate in other ways, etc. but it’s like this cloud of resentment and deep sadness over my past that I want to release myself of.
C: I was without a partner and also deeply depressed for 15 years.
T: I SHOULD have had someone / multiple romantic partners there to help me (not just friends – I had friends, but I isolated)
F: Resentment / deep sadness (Not sure I can distinguish between them right now)
A: tell myself “poor me” narratives
R: I am grieving the past, I cry about it, I carry beliefs forward that I’m unfortunately “unique” that normal events in life don’t happen to me, that I am doomed, that I will continue to be alone for a long time, that my life has been a bad experience overall, that I “shouldn’t” have suffered…I guess ultimately discouraged.
I plan to talk about this in my live session next week, but I’m struggling to “re-write” my model…I really DO believe my suffering would have been alleviated if someone was there for me romantically, I am not “grateful” for my time alone to work on myself, I don’t know how to back into feeling good or even neutral about a circumstance that already happened.