How Did I Create This Awful Experience?

Hi Brooke,

I’m still struggling to see how my own thoughts created this situation. This happened in 2014-15 – I realize I’m still letting it affect me and I get to choose any way I want to feel about this situation. It’s sort of out of my hands at the current moment (although I know I can’t change or control anything) because I have not heard from my brother since Christmas but I feel like I’m waiting for the ball to drop at any minute with bad news. He is not living a good life right now and I know that that is his choice. I want to figure out how my thoughts actually created this situation in the first place because I never want to experience the year+ from hell again in my lifetime! Here’s the situation. This is a crap load of too much information because I want help with figuring out what thoughts I had that created this situation. I wrote about this before but I still struggle with this and I want help so I can come to peace with how my future may look. I want to focus on my business, my own life and my family.

My mom passed away in 2014 – I took care of her for 7 years as best I could taking her to drs and wherever she wanted. I have a brother who’s is 15 yrs younger and my only sibling. He did nothing but cause my mom stress. I allowed it, my mom allowed it. He lived with my mom /parents his whole life. For many years he did not work after my father died in 2001. He is a great mechanic, held many jobs and always losing them eventually. I tried to change him (I know you can’t change people) but would try my best to help him, inspire him and also yelled at him, got angry at him, and stop taking advantage of my mom as well as her money. My mom supported him and he also would take her credit cards and use them as well as steal money from her. I allowed it, it was not in my direct face at the time even though my mom would complain about it. He would give her money to pay for it, then take it back.

So during all this time, my brother is doing drugs functionally, my mom is not aware of it or won’t admit it, she just thinks he drinks. I tell her it must be more. I confront him, he denies it. When I would come over, he would disappear. He would never want to face me. Okay so fast forward, my mom passes away in 2014. My brother can not afford to live there. I was willing to give him the house as long as he paid the bills and upkeep. The house is paid for. I was in charge of the bills. He’d go to work (down the street (perfect job since – he lost his license many years ago from not having insurance and getting in an accident with a new car he bought (after my dad died) and neglected to pay the car. It was impounded – he had a ton of tickets he couldn’t afford to pay for from that incident and other debt that he would buy and never intend to pay for). He is doing drugs, lost his job and making all kinds of excuses. Looks terrible. He wants to rent the house so he can afford to live there. I tell him I’m not renting it to anyone if that has to be, and I need to think about it but I will figure it out if that is the case, and maybe we should sell the house and you can get an apartment. So he lets these people (2 adults in a 2 yr old) in the house. The neighbor calls me and tells me someone is moving in. I go there like a freaking mad woman and freak out on him. They are not there. I take all their shit out of what they were bringing and literally leave it on the lawn – I had heels on because i was on my way to dinner and was carrying TV, bags and all kinds of stuff and just left it on the lawn. I tell him there is no way they are living here. He’s crying telling me they are good people and have good jobs that are going to help him pay rent and they are just renting a room. I am a lunatic and tell him he is stupid and all kinds of angry mean stuff. I actually left (I was supposed to be taking my daughter to a girl scout dinner) to go to dinner. I thought he was going to tell them they can’t live there and go back to where they came from (apparently they had no where to go).

The neighbor calls me 2 days later and says he believes they are living there but sneaking in from the side and parking their car on the other street. Of course, I’m sickened with this. I send my husband there. They are there, my husband tells them they have to leave. They have a 2 year old so he says they need to be out by tomorrow. So this continues on and on. Next thing, I go to the house, and I can’t get in they literally have the front door blocked with something. Shades down. All kinds of stuff. I get in. I see there are evidence drugs, nobody is there, my brother is down the street at work, they are at work, I see the evidence they are still there. I see their mattress in my moms room!! They are living my moms room – I’m furious and distraught. I see my brother has taken everything off the living furniture and put it in the storage room. No pictures, nothing. I should have called the cops but didn’t. I send my husband there again when he gets home. He kicks them out, they leave. I tell my brother we are selling the house. I send a real estate lady to appraise the house a week or two later, I tell my brother to make sure the house is clean because we are selling it as is. Friday the real estate lady goes there and looks around but my brother doesn’t let her in this one room and tells her his friend is sleeping in there. She calls me on Friday night and mentions that to me – my heart drops. I go there on Saturday to clean the house completely and see what’s going on. I see their stuff in the room and freak out on my brother (they are not there) All of sudden this guy walks in. I freak out the guy (first time I meet him) and ask him what he is doing here that my husband told you multiple times to leave and you said you were leaving. He said he and his girlfriend have no where to go. They are living in my moms bedroom! All 3 of them. Im sickened and distraught over all of this. I tell him you have to leave TODAY. I’m freaking out. I should of called the cops and told him I will if he is not out (completely!!) I’m not leaving until all of his stuff is gone and him. He said he has no where to go. I said go to a homeless shelter or find a friend to stay with – you can’t stay here anymore. I stick to my guns and make him leave (his girlfriend and kid is not there). My brother is okay with it. I tell him we are selling the house and we will split the money and he can start somewhere else fresh.

I spend the day cleaning the entire house, windows etc. I take my brother later when it’s dark to get food and stuff he needs so he can get back on his feet. We have a big discussion calmly. He seems to be okay with this and the idea that things will get better. I pay for it. We pull up to the house and there is a cop and woman with her mother (or his mother) and the little girl in the car. The mother drove them there. Like wtf would your bring your daughter to a house that you are not supposed to be living in w/your grandchild! The cop tells me that they have a right to live here because they know to much information about the house and they say have put cable in the house and pay for it and that I kicked them out with a child (this is October, the fiasco initially happened end of September). He told me the only option if she will agree is to offer to pay for a hotel for them for a week (which would be better than allowing them to stay because NY allows squatters to stay and it will be hell in court). They tell the cop they made a verbal agreement with my brother and they should be allowed to live there. I freak out and tell the cop this is not my brothers house. I’m the executor and I kicked them out several times because they were never allowed to live here. I tell them my mom passed away and we are selling the house. The situation then turns into that they have the right to stay there. She wouldn’t accept a hotel room for a week and said she’d be out in a week. This turned into a major court issue (they had more rights than I, I had to pay for electric, gas, and oil for them to stay for free). I couldn’t afford it either. The house is going into arrears w/property taxes not paid at this point. I went in a significant amount of debt. Back track, as long as my brother was living in the house it was hard to get them out. Now, my brother can see what evil people they were. He was distraught and he also wanted them to leave. But was continuing to take drugs as well. They didn’t talk to him. My brother stayed upstairs and they stayed in the room. They called the cops on me several times because I would freak out if I went there and freaked out what was happening to the house. December my brother gets arrested for trying to scrape metal to get money in a parking lot of some place. First time offense, does not get a record but goes through rehab. State pays for all of this. I finally get the squatters out, they destroyed a lot of the house and a lot of my mother’s stuff. I’m devastated with all of this. One time my husband goes there (he would go there every night – cop warned us to just be neutral and go through courts otherwise this could turn out devastating for my own family and children (my kids have no idea they just think we are selling the house because my brother can’t afford it.) My husband spends the entire year going everyday after work fixing it, painting it, etc – we finally sell it for a lot less then we wanted but it was sold. I had to pay a significant amount of money to lawyers for both the squatters and house stuff, as well as some updated permits etc. 2015 after rehab in a hospital for 30 days, my brother because he has no were to live gets setup in outpatient houses, medical from the govt, the drs he sees have him on prescription antidepressant and all kinds of prescription drugs. They just give a drug addict more drugs!! 🙁 even though he’s considered clean. He gets kicked out of almost any house after a while of staying there for a while. He’s waiting for an okay to stay at yet another house. My husband and I have been supporting him during this time. He then needs to stay at my house until there is a bed ready. He stays here for a few days. My husband drives him to the place and they won’t let him in with these prescription drugs. Its all or nothing. He then proceeds to stay at my house for at least 6-8 months on my couch, finding work for 1 day a week (which he also lost that job). Everyday we ask him to look for a job. He mentally motivated and happy and loves us, we love him. We allow him to stay because we want to help him turn his life around – he is clean (except for these “allowed’ prescription drugs which we think aren’t good because I don’t think he needs antidepressants but whatever). Enjoying staying here for the most part. (most of this time we didn’t sell the house at this point either, he is going back and forth with my husband fixing the house). It takes several months to sell the house. The future looks brighter he is motivated to clean up his life and go to outpatient services everyday which he is mandated from courts to go as well as stay clean. They drug test him for year+ straight every week! He has to see a judge every week. The state pays for transportation to and from my house as well. He is starting to like all this govt help with drs, he get his teeth cleaned and fixed, he also gets help with food. We pay all his tickets and any debts, we buy him a car (he picked which was a nightmare…he picks a car that is like an old cop car…caused more issues because he gets pulled over all the time for it), before he had a car he would bike every day to the gym and spend a considerable amount of hours there or I would drive him and pick up there. He chose to do that vs really look for a job. During this time there was a lot of frustration with him living here. I could go on and on. It wasn’t healthy for any of us especially my kids (who really have no idea what happened, they just think he has no where to live at the time). I go to Canada for a week with my kids and my girlfriends to get away from all of this. My brother lies and doesn’t come home one day. My husband had enough because he was worried sick about him and kicks him out. He lives in his car in the parking lot of a place he would work occasionally. The guy next door feels bad and helps him. He gives him a job and my brother stays there. Fast forward, he kicked him out in recently because he wouldn’t even show up for work and if he did would only make $100 and then not show up for work again. He was sick of it after helping him for at least 1-2 years.

So — how have the thoughts I’ve had created this situation. I did have the thought prior to all this. My brother is probably doing drugs. I did have the thought that something bad was going to happen. I did have the thought that my brother is never going to change. And, many other bad thoughts. Did I create these results? I know I enabled them in some cases. I ignored a lot of red flags. I didn’t want this to happen the way it did. I know I can’t change him. The question I have is how else could I have thought that would have changed what happened. Nothing? This still would have happened regardless right? I just have to choose how I can think differently about it today? I’m pretty sure my brother is living with my cousin (who originally supplied him with getting drugs in the first place). I have chosen words for them but I won’t go there. I have not heard from him since December really. He has avoided us for pretty much a year. I did see him Thankgiving and it was fine. It is mostly out of sight out of mind. But I am waiting for the ball to drop once again. What can I choose to think? How do you come to a place where you believe it? Do my thoughts affect the results? When I understand the Model it seems they do. But it seems circumstances unfold the way we don’t want to. Is there a way to think that this will never be attracted again? I want to change my future. I want to truly believe subconsciously different than what created the result. I often get mail (usually tickets, or things like that) for my bother since he using my address as his mailing address and I get anxious. I now have decided to send them back return to sender because I have no idea really where he is. I refuse to truly see if he is in fact at my cousins house. Nothing good will come out if I go there. I’ve decided I will let things fall they way they are supposed to. Very hard to let go of your only brother. I suppose the only way I may hear from him is when he either get in trouble or something worse. How do I learn to think differently so my future is BETTER? That is the true question. It happened, I can’t change what happened, I can choose differently how I think about what happened but how do I create new thoughts about a brighter future. Is what I’m saying here trying to predict the future from anxiousness of a deeply ingrained negative thought still – that is my fear. BTW, my dad was a functional alcoholic – we both grew up in different times almost. I got married when he was 9. We both chose different paths. I still have a lot of repercussions but I try my best. How can I prevent this from happening again. I never want to go through this horrible experience.