I want to reach my IG of 60 pounds lost so badly, not because of the weight loss itself but because of the person I will become to make that happen. I want to get my writing business off the ground, I want to make money from it. Both are second in line to the weight loss but so important to me, too.

I set the impossible goal a month ago. I haven’t lost a pound. I’ve been at my business for a year and made no money.

I don’t want to make excuses. I want to take action. I have a clear protocol. I write my 24-hour food plan and I write to process the overeats after they happen.

I do the to-do downloads and break down all tasks that need doing. Every day I have a clear plan for what work needs to get done.

I take my kids to school, come home for my work hours, and then do everything BUT the work. I binge eat. I watch TV. I do NOTHING toward my goals, until it is time to put my mom hat back on.

This doesn’t happen every day, but I’m going to admit here for the first time that it happens more often than not.

Then I do thought downloads, set new small steps for the next minutes, hours, day. I say “no thank you” to the mean thoughts that arise about myself in these situations. I AM DOING ALL OF THE THINGS EXCEPT THE ACTION THAT IS GOING TO MOVE ME TOWARD MY GOALS.

Why? Because I don’t believe in myself, in my ability to do this for myself, at all.

Right now my immediate goal is small. I just want to get down into the 170s. That is a 5 or 6 pound weight loss. That’s it.

But big or small, my goal isn’t enough to get me to stop shoving fucking garbage in my face instead of doing all of the things I have planned ahead of time. And I have a very slippery grasp on compassion for myself about it. I keep telling myself that quitting is not an option, but I am quitting, aren’t I? Over and over.

What is my question here? I have not ever believed in myself. I have believed in isolated skills, in my ability to do certain tasks, but not in myself overall. And I don’t know how to start. So I guess that’s my question.

How do I start believing in my ability to meet my goals when I don’t allow myself to complete the next right thing? When for 46 years I’ve never strived toward and completed any goal just because I wanted it? (I know, my past is not evidence. But it is a very long-practiced habit.)

I am currently feeling despair.

C – weight 185, goal 125
T – I can’t make myself do what’s necessary.
F – despair
A – curl up in a ball, eat to numb
R – weight 185 (or more?)

ALSO
C – weight loss goal
T – I don’t believe in myself / I’ve never believed in myself
F – despair
A/R same as above

Intentional model:
C – weight 185, goal 125
T – ?????
F – ease, patience
A – next right thing (follow protocol, do scheduled work tasks)
R – weight loss toward goal

I appreciate the space to write this out and any insight you have. Thanks.