I woke up again this evening with intense pain in my left hip and quad. I have a sense that this pain is related to a sexual assault I experienced when I was young. I’ve been doing a lot of meditating in an attempt to “be present” with the pain – soften, soothe, and allow is a common one I’ve used. But every time this pain surfaces, I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and like I hate that the pain exists. So, this evening I decided to do the model with it.
Here’s what I came up with for the thoughts that drive that feeling I just described: I don’t like this pain. I need to meditate to be with the pain to make it go away (even though that’s not what I’m supposed to be thinking). If I meditate enough the pain will be gone. I must be doing something wrong or avoiding feeling an emotion if I’m still feeling the pain like this. I hate this pain. This pain is too intense for me to allow. Opening myself to allowing this pain without trying to make it go away will lead me to have to feel the experience of being violated over and over again.
What I’m wondering is where do I go from here? Is it enough to see my thinking? Do I need to re-frame my thinking? Or just notice my pattern in the future? I welcome your thoughts.